Kushiel's Justice - Jacqueline Carey [66]
The mood in the household was somber. Phèdre and Joscelin, knowing full well my heart was heavy, made no effort to lighten it with false merriment. The rest of the household took their cues from us, and in truth, I think no one was lighthearted that day.
I dressed slowly and reluctantly. My wedding attire was Courcel blue, this time adorned with gold embroidery. I'd thought it foolish to have new clothing commissioned when I already had a suit much like it, but Ysandre had insisted. The brocade doublet fit close through the waist, with a high collar that closed at the throat with golden frogs. It was going to be hotter than hell, and I was already stifling.
"Imri?" Phèdre knocked lightly at the door and I admitted her. She regarded me with a complex mix of emotions. "Ah, love! You look splendid.”
"Feels like I'm choking," I informed her.
She reached up to fuss with my collar, her fingers cool against my skin. Whatever she did, it felt better afterward. I caught her hands and kissed them. "Thank you.”
"You're welcome.”
There are never any words to suffice when one wants them. We stood there for a moment, hands joined. After a while, Phèdre sighed.
"Time to go?" I asked.
"I'm afraid so." She touched my cheek. "Imriel, be kind to the girl. I know what you're feeling, but remember, none of it is her fault. And don't…don't expect her to share all of your desires.”
"I won't," I said. Once, it would have made me appalled and uncomfortably aroused to contemplate such a thing, to hear Phèdre give voice to it. Now I merely smiled sadly, remembering the shocked thrill of delight that had run through me at Sidonie's unexpected words, and ah, Elua! the sight of her in bonds, naked and writhing. "Still, I suppose one never knows.”
"I do," Phèdre said quietly.
"Always?" I asked.
"Always." She returned my smile, filled with fond sorrow. "Oh, Imri! All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And happiness isn't always where you think you'll find it. Promise me you'll at least try?”
"I will," I said. "I promise.”
Downstairs, Joscelin was waiting. I watched them exchange a wordless glance that racked me with a helpless blend of love and envy. I couldn't begrudge them what they had together; not now, not ever. But oh, I could envy them!
The hours that followed passed in a waking daze. We travelled by carriage to the Palace, and the streets were lined with people, cheering and throwing flower petals, for Ysandre had decreed a day of license in the City. Hugues and Ti-Philippe served as our outriders, acknowledging the shouts and bawdy jests with cheerful waves.
I slumped in my seat and stared at the roof of the carriage, tugging at my collar, sweltering in my finery.
"Imri!" Joscelin said sharply. "Name of Elua! Stop moping.”
A thousand angry retorts were born and died on my tongue. Phèdre had walked into a living hell of her own volition to rescue me, and Joscelin had gone with her. When all was said and done, his role may have been the hardest of all. I was acting like an idiot and it reflected badly on all of us. I sat up straight and did my best to make them proud of me. After all, it was only a year; and no one need die for it.
I married Dorelei.
It was hot in the Palace gardens, hotter than anyone had expected it to be that day. Dorelei and I stood side by side, our damp fingers entwined, before Elua's priest, barefoot in his blue robes. I was sweating in my doublet and there was a sheen of perspiration along her hairline, beneath the wreath of flowers that adorned her black hair. The priest touched the greensward, lifted his palms to the sky, and invoked Elua's blessing on us. He anointed our brows with oil. He gave us vows to recite, and we recited them. Dorelei spoke hers with a soft, lilting accent. I was surprised by the sound of my own voice, strong and firm. The priest spread his arms in blessing