Kushiel's Scion - Jacqueline Carey [197]
I couldn't be sure. This was a problem I needed to solve on my own, and giving up what freedom I'd acquired here for the mantle of the Queen's protection would change nothing.
And so I temporized. "My lady, you were in Menekhet, were you not? You know my history." I met her gaze squarely. "And you know my lineage, as does the whole of Terre d'Ange. Can you blame me for wanting a respite from it?"
"No," she said ruefully. "Not really."
The moment passed, and Lady Denise let it go with a diplomat's practiced grace. We spoke of other matters, touching on nothing of import, until the hour grew late and it was time for me to take my leave. I bowed and thanked her for her hospitality.
"You're a pleasant guest. I should have expected as much from Phèdre nó Delaunay's foster-son." She smiled at me, though her face was troubled. "Prince Imriel, I will respect your wishes and your privacy, unless her majesty orders otherwise. Only know that the embassy is here to serve you." She paused. "And I will leave a standing order with the guard. You are welcome here at any hour if you wish to avail yourself of the temple garden. Please consider it at your disposal."
"My thanks," I said. "That's kind of you."
Accompanied by Gilot, I departed the palazzo, and we made our way down the Esquiline Hill and through the city. He was in high spirits, having had a fine time dining, drinking, and dicing with the embassy guard while I met with the ambassadress.
"Elua's Balls!" he exulted. "It was like a taste of home. To be around people who look like you, think like you, talk like you… Ah, by all the gods, it felt good." Holding a torch aloft to light our way, he glanced sidelong at me. "It's not that I don't like Tiberium, mind, but… don't you miss it?"
"Yes," I murmured. "I do."
The fragile sense of peace I'd experienced in the garden was gone, long gone. I listened with half an ear while Gilot rattled on about the embassy, the guards, the possibility of taking a position there when I decided to return to Terre d'Ange. How Anna might feel about it, how her daughter would adjust to the change, how he might reconcile the two worlds.
My own thoughts were a jumble.
I wanted… what? A part of me wanted to go home. I wanted to see Alais, to hug her and promise to be the brother she wanted me to be. I wanted to find out who was courting Sidonie, especially if it was Maslin de Lombelon. I wanted Phèdre and Joscelin, so much so that it made me dizzy to think about it. I would have told them everything; everything. The Unseen Guild was no match for the two of them. That, I believed with all of my heart.
And another part wanted only to forget.
Forget the garden, forget the Lady Denise and her D'Angeline household. It only made me yearn; made me weak. I couldn't afford it. Unwitting or no, I'd walked into this maze of snares of my own accord. I didn't want to be rescued from it. I'd already played the role of victim in my lifetime, and it had left a trail of bloodshed and horror in my wake.
Once was enough.
I needed to make a choice. I could make an end to the affair with Claudia and refuse the Guild's overtures as Anafiel Delaunay had done, promising my silence in exchange for their tolerance. Or I could accept their offer, pledge my loyalty, and discover what deeper truths lay behind the tidbits of knowledge Claudia had dangled before me.
The first path meant accepting ignorance. That was the part that galled me. In Siovale, they say all knowledge is worth having, and I hated the thought of leaving the mystery unresolved, of always wondering what unseen forces were shaping the world around me. Still, Anafiel Delaunay had reckoned the Guild's price too high. He'd walked away from their offer, and so far as I knew, he'd kept