Lady in the Mist - Laurie Alice Eakes [116]
“She’ll never forgive me this time,” he said to the darkness, and Parks if he was listening. “That’s the biggest burden to bear, knowing I’ve played a role in Tabbie’s damaged relationship with God, because mine’s been so bad, so unforgivable.”
“No relationship with God is unforgivable,” Parks said. “He forgives us if we ask for it.”
“That’s what the chaplain aboard ship said. But I didn’t trust God to get me home and ended up betraying my country.”
“God still loves you.”
Somewhere above them, a bell clanged eight times. Feet pounded on the deck and men shouted and grumbled. Midnight? Dawn? Noon? They would haul him up for punishment at one of those hours.
“Can God forgive me for making someone else fall away from her faith?” Raleigh asked.
“You didn’t make her fall away,” Parks said. “She made that decision on her own.”
“But my behavior won’t convince her to return to the Lord.”
Parks said nothing for so long, Raleigh feared the man knew of no answer to this. The ship rocked. Raleigh’s head spun. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to keep talking to the older man, whose faith seemed unshaken despite his circumstances.
“Trower,” Parks said at last, “we are accountable for our behavior, but God promises that, as long as we repent and ask for it, He will forgive us.”
“But I feel I have to do something to make up for my mistakes.”
“There’s nothing we can do to make up for the past.” Parks sighed. “We’d all be doomed if we had to earn our forgiveness. Believe me, my life hasn’t been a good example of a man of God. But I have freedom in my heart knowing God has forgiven me anyway.” He chuckled. “Now if only I could have freedom in my body.”
“If only . . .” Despite the darkness, Raleigh closed his eyes.
He knew Donald’s wife. She was sweet and pretty, and her family was generous and loving. She had the new baby. Her husband shouldn’t be where he was. None of them should be. Yet if Raleigh’s contact wasn’t stopped, he would steal more and more men until President Madison declared war. Some men prospered from war. Try as he might, Raleigh could think of no one in the Seabourne area who would profit from a war. But the frigate’s captain knew, since he was working with him.
“I might not need to do anything to earn God’s forgiveness,” Raleigh said, “but what if I want to?”
“Then I suggest you pray hard.” Parks took a long, unsteady breath. “We both need to pray for our release.”
“We will.” Raleigh gripped the edge of a barrel filled with ship’s biscuit and maneuvered to his knees. “I have an idea.”
Tabitha paused beside a birch tree and wrapped her arm around the slender trunk. Her legs felt as though they had lost their ability to hold her upright, yet she couldn’t hold on to Dominick for support. What she knew she must do led to a future where he wouldn’t be around for her to hold on to, as no one else had been.
“God is always with me,” Marjorie Parks had said regarding living without her husband for months on end. “And he’s given me my family.”
Tabitha’s family was gone, but she had a community. Her work might send Dominick home to England, but it would also garner her accolades in the village.
And God already cared. She was supposed to believe that.
“Yet where were You when I prayed for my family’s healing or for Raleigh to come back?” she cried aloud. “Even Raleigh returning is a joke. A sad, sick joke, if he’s involved.” She turned to bury her face against the tree trunk and found Dominick’s shoulder instead. She pushed against it. “No, I can’t depend on you. You’ll go too. Soon, if we’re right at all.”
“I’m here now, dear lady.” He stroked her hair, and she realized it had tumbled down her back sometime in her rushing about. “And I’ll come back for you.” He kissed her temple. “No, I’ll take you with me.”
“Don’t make empty promises. I don’t need them.” She placed her hands against his chest to push him away, but she clung instead. “Your conscience is bearing enough without feeling guilty over me.”
“Then that gives me motivation