Lady in the Mist - Laurie Alice Eakes [118]
He’d never been of use to anyone. He’d taken and taken from his father’s generous, if indifferent, largess. He’d taken knowledge from his Oxford tutors, and he’d taken information from people who thought he’d befriended them. He’d used his social position, money, and brains to get whatever he wanted. He’d even taken away his father’s desire to see his youngest son become the vicar of the church at Bruton-on-Aix, the family parish. He’d taken friendship and now a selfless, loving act from Tabitha.
He’d given nothing.
“Lord, You gave us so much—Your wisdom, Your love, Your life. I can never do enough to be worthy of that. Even finding out the identity of this traitor isn’t enough to make up for the past.”
Of course it wasn’t. His father had been generous only while Dominick did as he wished. When he learned of his son stepping over the line, he treated Dominick worse than his lowest servant, worse than his horses or dogs. Only perfection pleased.
Only perfection pleased God. God wanted a cleansed heart, a repentant life.
“And I will never get there. I’ve sinned too much.” Dominick’s chest tightened and his eyes burned. “I can’t earn forgiveness, even with this mission.”
But the mission would help. His father might still despise him and deny him access to the family, but others would receive him. He could rejoin his friends with his head held high. His brothers would talk to him. He’d have a family again, even if it was as good as being an orphan. Most of all, he could find work as someone’s steward or man of business. In time, Father might even reconsider his edict that Dominick’s name must never be mentioned in his hearing. Eventually, the people he’d hurt might forget enough to forgive.
And would that be enough for them to accept Tabitha?
Thinking of her lovely, serene face, her practical and compassionate nature, and her intelligence, he didn’t know how they couldn’t want to be near her as much as he had from the minute he’d encountered the mermaid on the beach. Yet thinking of English society with its strictures and mores, its prejudices and adherence to lineage, its respect for wealth and loathing of getting one’s hands dirty in trade, he knew they would shun her at every opportunity.
She was right. He could have his old life back in England, or he could have her.
His old life meant a position, a place, the knowledge that he belonged with a certain type of people. He would find work, interesting work. He might even earn enough respect for a position in the foreign office. Staying with Tabitha meant staying in America, where his name meant nothing. He owned no land and lacked the ability to acquire it. He was English and despised in many circles for nothing more than that heritage. He might love her more than anyone he’d ever known—related to him or otherwise—but his love might not be enough to give her the security she wanted, the life she deserved.
If I’d truly loved her, I’d have left her alone to renew her courtship with Trower.
One more sin to blot his copybook.
Yet if she’d truly loved Raleigh Trower, none of Dominick’s machinations should have won her away. She hadn’t rebuffed him. She accepted his friendship then his courtship. She’d even sought him out. If he left her, she would be alone in the world again.
He couldn’t do that to her. At the same time, he couldn’t face a life with no purpose for himself, no vocation, no profession. Without land or money in America, being a gentleman, third son of a marquess, meant nothing. He suspected being a former bondsman made matters even worse, regardless of any service to their country he had performed. It could harm her future as much as her presence in England could harm his.
Yet how could he leave her without anyone to love her? And what if she clung to him merely because Raleigh Trower was gone and Dominick was there?
Only one way to find that out.
If Raleigh Trower still lived, Dominick would find him and free him, whatever the cost.
30
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Remembering how she’d