Lady in the Mist - Laurie Alice Eakes [77]
Tabitha glared at Raleigh. He glared back. They’d reached a deadlock she knew would destroy any hope of a future together if one of them didn’t yield ground.
20
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He’d lost her. In one bold attempt to get rid of Dominick Cherrett and possibly free himself from the chains still tying him to the British Navy like a sheet securing a sail to the yards, Raleigh had gambled and lost the lady he loved, his chance to destroy Dominick Cherrett, and nearly his life.
“I won’t say anything,” he promised on a sigh. “The man will dig his own grave.”
“Then let him. Don’t do it for him.” She looked so sad, Raleigh’s throat closed. He swallowed and changed the subject. “Did you really pray for me last night?”
“I did.”
“And God listened to you. I’m all right.”
“Maybe.” She rose. “The rain is letting up. I need to get home. Send someone to fetch me if anything happens.”
“Can you fix my heart?” He tried to smile, though the attempt made his jaw hurt like ten toothaches.
“That’s between you and God.” She left then.
He heard her say a few words to his family, then the door closed. The hammer of rain against the window masked the sound of her footfalls.
She shouldn’t be out in this weather, getting drenched because of him. She should have stayed. But she wanted away from him, from his lying tongue, his dishonesty, his betrayal of his faith.
“Jesus, what have I done?” He flung one arm over his eyes. “I just want this nightmare to be over. I want to settle with Tabbie and have a comfortable life now.”
But he had betrayed her trust—again. Worse, he had plotted to harm another human being. In that, he had turned his back on the faith he so wanted to be good at. He could never help Tabitha want to go to church, not because it was expected of her in the small town, but to worship a God she believed in and trusted. If he talked to her about God now, she would laugh in his face. Her brushing away the answered prayer for him told him that he had helped shatter her faith, and his current actions didn’t make matters any better.
“Dear Jesus, can you ever forgive me?”
His crime, his sin, seemed too much for even God’s grace to handle. Raleigh knew what the chaplain aboard the ship had told him, but he couldn’t imagine that the godly man dreamed of anyone being so depraved as to deliberately want to harm another person.
Yet the chaplain was aboard a man-of-war. He dealt with men who wanted to harm the enemy every day. And Dominick Cherrett was the enemy. England and America weren’t officially at war, but Great Britain had been taking actions that would lead to war if not stopped.
Reconciling his actions with his faith didn’t seem possible. He needed forgiveness, and he didn’t know how to ask for it if he had no intention of repenting—yet.
“Lord, I didn’t intend to get myself into this fix. If the British hadn’t impressed me . . .”
No, he couldn’t blame the English captain, who was following orders. Raleigh had been born in Canada, even if he had come to his father’s Virginia home a mere six months later. And they hadn’t made him desert and get caught again. He’d worked his way into a position of trust on the word of the chaplain, then broken that trust.
As he’d broken Tabitha’s trust in him.
The Navy could have hanged him for deserting. At the least, he should have been flogged. But his captain had been merciful and cunning. Or maybe just cunning and ambitious. Raleigh justified his actions with the excuse that his father needed him at home. If this was the only way he could get free of the Navy, he could leave for the West. But he figured that discovering the identity of his puppet master, his spy master, was faster and less harmful to others.
But he’d made a mess of it, outright accusing Cherrett. He still thought it possible. Raleigh couldn’t deny that Cherrett had been out in the night, skulking around the shed. An innocent man would have been tucked up in his bed with a storm brewing. Raleigh needed to discover what Dominick Cherrett had been up to. Proving he was a treacherous blaggard might be the only way that Raleigh