Lanark_ a life in 4 books - Alasdair Gray [227]
“That’s us, all right,” said Macfee.
“To prevent loss of life we must stop the gas from spreading. Every drain and sewer-opening in the danger area must be blocked. This work is proceeding in the streets and will soon start in houses and other buildings. Sanitary workers will call in to seal up every sink, urinal and lavatory pan. Naturally this takes time, so we invite your cooperation. Tubes of plastic cement will soon be obtainable, on demand, from your local police station and post office. The homes of householders who block their own drains will receive nothing more than a routine inspection. Meanwhile everyone should immediately plug their sinks and fill them with water. Lavatory pans will also stay safe for a while if they are not actually employed. I will now pause for three minutes to let everyone attend to their sink.”
Three sentences appeared on the screen:
PLUG YOUR SINK.
FILL IT WITH WATER.
DON’T FLUSH YOUR LAVATORY PAN.
“Have another beer,” said Macfee, passing a can across. “You too, Helen,”
She said, “I’m frightened, Jimmy.”
“Frightened? Why? We’re in luck at last. Mohomes don’t have lavatories. Our sink isn’t connected to the sewage system.”
“But what will we do if we cannae use the public toilet?”
“I think the provost will announce plans for that,” said Lanark. The speech had greatly impressed him. He thought, ‘I’m glad Rima and Sandy are in the cathedral. Ritchie-Smollet will have taken the necessary precautions by now.’ He sipped from the can. The inscription vanished and Sludden appeared once more.
“There is one question I am sure you are all asking yourselves: How are we to get rid of our bodily waste? Well, you know, that question is as old as humanity itself. We tend to forget that interior flush lavatories are comparatively recent inventions, and three quarters of the world doesn’t have them. For a while we must be content to use one of these, as our great-grandparents did.”
He held up a chamberpot.
“Those of you with small children probably have one already. New stocks are being rushed to the shops from the Cortexin Adhoc Sanitation plant at New Cumbernauld. Large orders have been placed with a small factory in Unthank which still makes the old-fashioned earthernware article, thus giving a much-needed boost to a neglected part of the city’s economy. And though many will have to manage without one for a short period, I am sure they will be able to improvise with some other domestic utensil. As to the removal of the waste, you will receive through the post, if you have not received it already, a packet of these.”
He held up a black plastic bag.
“This is large enough to comfortably hold the contents of one full chamberpot. When tied at the neck it is both damp proof and odour proof. These should be stacked beside, not inside, your usual midden or dustbin. To speed collection, the cleansing workers will be helped by the army. That is why you have seen so many soldiers on the street lately.”
“Soldiers don’t need guns to shift shit,” said Macfee.
“Washing, if kept to a minimum, will present no problem. Once your sink is blocked it can be used in the usual way, except that the dirty water (which should be employed more than once) should be ladled into a pail and emptied into a gutter or convenient piece of ground. The same goes for urine. Fortunately a spell of mild weather is forecast, and our liquid waste will either evaporate or flow into districts where the drains still work.”
“What if it rains?” said Macfee.
“But we must also tackle the causes of this dangerous annoyance. We have already demanded action from the council, whose slowness caused this disaster in the first place. We have appealed to the Cortexin Group, who manufactured the poison. Both reply that experts are being consulted, the matter will be considered, that in due course we will hear from them. This is not good enough. So Professor Eva Schtzngrm has been made leader of a team who are working to gain the technology to clear