Lanark_ a life in 4 books - Alasdair Gray [230]
He hurried back and found the empty cubicle. A note lay on the carefully made bed.
Dear Lanark,
I expect you won’t be surprised to find us gone. Things haven’t been very good lately, have they. Alexander and I will be living with Sludden, as we arranged, and on the whole it’s better that you aren’t coming too. Please don’t try to find us—Alex is naturally a bit upset by all this and I don’t want you to make him worse.
You probably think I’ve gone with Sludden because he has a big house, and is famous, and is a better lover than you in most ways, but that isn’t the real reason. It may surprise you to hear that Sludden needs me more than you do. I don’t think you need anybody. No matter how bad things get, you will always plod on without caring what other people think or feel. You’re the most selfish man I know.
Dear Lanark, I don’t hate you but whenever I try to write some¬ thing friendly it turns out nasty, perhaps because if you give the devil your little finger he bites off the whole arm. But you’ve often been nice to me, you aren’t really a devil.
Love
Rima
P.S. I’m coming back to collect some clothes and things. I may see you then.
He undressed slowly, got into bed, switched off the light and fell asleep at once. He woke several times feeling that something horrible had happened which he must tell Rima about, then he remembered what it was. Lying drearily awake he sometimes heard the cathedral bell tolling the hours. Once it struck five o’clock and when he awoke later it was striking three, which suggested that the regular marking of time had not slowed it down much.
At last he opened his eyes to the electric light. She stood by the bed quietly taking clothes from the chest of drawers. He said, “Hullo.”
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“How’s Sandy?”
“Very quiet but quite happy, I think. He has plenty of room to run about and Sludden lives outside the danger zone so there’s no stink, of course.”
“There’s no stink here.”
“In another twenty-four hours I’m sure even you will begin to notice it.”
She snapped the suitcase shut and said, “I wanted to pack this before I left but I was afraid you would suddenly come in and get hysterical.”
“When have you seen me hysterical?” he asked peevishly.
“I don’t remember. Of course that’s partly your trouble, isn’t it? Sludden and I often discuss you, and he thinks you would be a very valuable man if you knew how to release your emotions.”
He lay rigid, clenching his fists and teeth in order not to scream. She placed the suitcase by the bed foot and sat on it, twisting a handkerchief. She said, “Oh, Lanark, I don’t like hurting you but I must explain why I’m leaving. You think I’m greedy and ungrateful and prefer Sludden because he’s a far better lover, but that’s not why. Women can live quite comfortably with a clumsy lover if he makes them happy in other ways. But you’re too serious all the time. You make my ordinary little feelings seem as fluffy and useless as bits of dust. You make life a duty, something to be examined and corrected.
Do you remember when I was pregnant, and said I wanted a girl, and you said you wanted a boy so that someone would like the baby? You’ve always tried to balance me as if I were a badly floating boat. You’ve brought no joy to my happiness or sorrow to my misery, you’ve made me the loneliest woman in the world. I don’t love Sludden more than you, but life with him seems open and free. I’m sure Alex will benefit too. Sludden plays with him. You would only explain things to him.” Lanark said nothing. She said, “But we enjoyed ourselves sometimes, didn’t we? You’ve been a friend to me—I’m not sorry I met you.”
“When can I visit Sandy?”
“I thought you were going away to Provan soon.”
“Not if Sandy isn’t going.”
“If you phone us first you can come anytime. Frankie has