Lanark_ a life in 4 books - Alasdair Gray [39]
“A girl I used to like. She tried to like me too, a little.”
“Then she wasn’t me.”
“You have beautiful wings.”
“I wish they were spikes, then I wouldn’t need to talk jaggedly to bastards like you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Don’t pretend you’re not like the others. Your technique will be different but you’ll hurt me too. I’m helpless in this freezing coffin so why not begin?”
“Ozenfant didn’t hurt you.”
“Do you think these noises made me happy? Ballet music! Sounds of women flying and floating in moonlight like swans and clouds, women leaping from men’s hands like flames from candles, women disdaining whole glittering audiences of czars and emperors. Yes, the liar talked, he left nothing to my imagination. He said I could have done these things once. Open your heart to my music,’ he said. ‘Weep passionately.’ He could not reach my skin so he raped my ears, like you.”
“I haven’t raped your ears.”
“Then why shout?”
“I haven’t shouted!”
“Don’t get hysterical.”
“I’m not hysterical.”
“You certainly aren’t calm.”
Lanark bellowed, “How can I be calm when …” and was deafened by the reverberation around the narrow dome. He folded his arms and waited grimly. The uproar faded out as a faint ringing with perhaps (he wasn’t sure) an echo of laughter in it. Eventually he said in a low voice, “Should I leave?”
She murmured something.
“I didn’t hear that.”
“You could tell me who you are.”
“I’m over five and half feet tall and weigh about ten stone. My eyes are brown, hair black, and I forget the blood group. I used to be older than twenty but now I’m older than thirty. I’ve been called a crustacean, and too serious, but recently I was described by a dependable man as shrewd, obstinate and adequately intelligent. I was a writer once and now I’m a doctor, but I was advised to become these, I never wanted it. I’ve never wanted anything long. Except freedom.”
There was a metallic rattle of laughter. Lanark said, “Yes, it’s a comic word. We’re all forced to define it in ways that make no sense to other people. But for me freedom is …” He thought for a while.
“… life in a city near the sea or near the mountains where the sun shines for an average of half the day. My house would have a living room, big kitchen, bathroom and one bedroom for each of the family, and my work would be so engrossing that while I did it I would neither notice nor care if I was happy or sad. Perhaps I would be an official who kept useful services working properly. Or a designer of houses and roads for the city where I lived. When I grew old I would buy a cottage on an island or among the mountains—”
“Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!” said the voice on a low throb of rage. “Dirty bastards giving me a killer for a doctor!”
The blood boomed in Lanark’s eardrums and his scalp prickled. A wave of terror passed over him in which he struggled to get up, then a wave of rage in which he sat, leaned forward and whispered, “You have no right to despise my bad actions without liking my better ones.”
“Tell me about these, were they many? Were they pretty?” He cried, “Dr. Lanark is ready to leave!”
A circular panel opened on the other side of the chamber. He stepped carefully across the body and paused with one foot on each side of it, his shoulders against the height of the dome.
“Goodbye!” he said with a conscious cruelty which startled him. He stared down at the clenching and unclenching hand for a while, then asked humbly, “Are you very sore?”
“I’m freezing. I knew you would leave.”
“Talking doesn’t help. What can I say that won’t annoy you?”
After a moment she spoke in a voice he just managed to hear.
“You could read to me.”
“Then I will. Next time I’ll bring books.”
“You won’t come back.”
Lanark climbed out through the opening into a tunnel where he could stand erect. He leaned into the chamber and said cheerfully, “I’ll surprise you. I’ll be quicker than you think.” The panel closed as he turned away.
At the end of the corridor a red curtain admitted him to a passage between a large window and a row of arches. Through the arches he recognized, with