Last Chance Saloon - Marian Keyes [113]
‘That prick,’ Liv replied, vaguely. Then she caught sight of her behaviour, and it was her turn to moan in shame, ‘How could I? How could I think about a man at a time like this? I hate myself.’
‘Don’t,’ Tara comforted her. ‘Please don’t. It’s a very weird time and if it’s any consolation I’ve been worried about myself and Thomas and I’ve been mortified. It seems so unworthy!’
Katherine felt a burden roll away from her. ‘Thank God you said that, Tara. This week I’ve found myself concerned about things besides Fintan too, and I thought there must be something wrong with me for being so selfish. I’ve hated myself.’
‘Did you really? I’ve hated myself,’ Tara exclaimed.
‘I’m so glad you said that. I’ve hated myself also,’ Liv threw in.
They smiled in sheepish relief at each other, their shameful secrets out in the open, the liberation making them feel weightless.
‘Either we’re a trio of evil bitches,’ Tara announced, ‘or else we’re really normal.’
‘Poor Fintan, though,’ Katherine said. ‘How must he feel? How would you feel if you thought you had only a short time to live? I keep trying to put myself in his head.’
‘Me too,’ said Tara.
‘Me too,’ said Liv.
‘Just imagine that you only have six months left to live,’ Tara challenged. ‘That you’d be dead before next May.’
‘Go on,’ she urged, as both Katherine and Liv looked at her, slightly shocked.
Feeling foolish, Katherine closed her eyes. What would it be like? she forced herself to wonder. This would be her last Christmas. There wouldn’t ever be another summer for her. One hundred and eighty days, instead of the thousands and thousands she’d always assumed were rolling out ahead of her, forming a chain of years, pulling her into old age.
To her surprise, something altered. A single day, unthrilling by virtue of its sheer availability, valueless because there were so many others, loomed at her in close-up and blossomed so that every nuance seemed sweet and precious. As priceless as a diamond, from waking up with morning expectation, to winding down in evening light. She had a frantic need to fill it, to use it wisely, to do all the desirable things, the truly important things.
Never mind being responsible, she wouldn’t be around to reap the rewards. More importantly, never mind being careful, she wouldn’t be around to deal with the consequences. She felt almost panicky as she thought of all the things she wanted to do in her six months – it’d have to be the miracle of the loaves and fishes if she was to fit everything in.
Her rules and barricades appeared stifling to her. Crazy, even. She wanted to immerse herself fully in life. Experience everything. Have fun. Lots and lots of fun. Have sex. With Joe Roth. Christ Almighty! Terrified, she snapped her eyes open. Tara and Liv were looking at her.
‘Scary, isn’t it?’ Tara breathed out with a shudder. ‘I’ll tell you one thing. If I had six months left to live I wouldn’t worry about trying to get Thomas to marry me so that I wouldn’t be lonely in my old age. Because I wouldn’t have an old age to be lonely in!’
‘What would you do?’ Katherine asked eagerly, keen to stop thinking about herself.
‘I’d dump Lars and make my move on Milo,’ Liv said.
‘But you’re going to do that anyway,’ Tara said. ‘You don’t need to be dying. Now, me, I’d have a fling.’
‘With who?’
‘I don’t know. Someone I think is gorgeous, someone who thinks I’m gorgeous! One of those mad, breathless, sexy affairs, where you never get out of bed, where you wake in the middle of the night because you fancy each other so much.’ She shivered in pleasure.
‘You mean it’s not like that all the time with you and Thomas?’ Katherine asked, drily.
‘You know that once you’re past the three-month mark you hardly ever have sex,’ Tara said. ‘And don’t look at me like that. I love Thomas, this is just pretend.’
‘You’ve as good as told us that you don’t even fancy him.’
‘I did not! I only said that if things were… Look, it’s not real, it’s only imaginary!’
‘You’re right,’