Last Chance Saloon - Marian Keyes [165]
She’d always tried to defend Fintan when Thomas started on him. She’d never defended herself. Just tried to tell herself it was for her good. But she’d been wrong, and she was crawling with self-loathing as well as anger.
She found she was crying. Tears of shame and rage and sorrow.
‘Why are you boohoohooing?’ Thomas demanded. ‘Have you the decorators in?’
‘What?’
‘Is it your monthlies?’
‘No.’ She sobbed as if her heart were breaking.
‘Aw, Tara, don’t bludeh cry. Do you want a cup of tea?’
‘No. Just leave me alone.’
He glared at her. How dare she? Didn’t she know how sensitive he was? ‘Fine then,’ he swaggered, ‘I will leave you alone.’
He slammed from the flat and she cried and cried and cried. For the wasted years, for the loss of hope, for the cruelty to Fintan, for her shameful self-delusion, for the happy life she didn’t have, for the empty one stretching ahead of her.
At some point Katherine rang but, gasping and choking, Tara could hardly speak.
Lighting a cigarette, she sat staring into space, wondering why nothing ever worked for her. Why me? Why can’t I have a successful relationship? Why do I always end up alone?
She’d managed to keep one step ahead of the knowledge that had been accreting slowly, especially since Fintan had got sick. But it had become too big and she couldn’t outrun it any more.
Had Thomas always been like this? Had he got worse? Or had she just not seen? Refused to see?
She was in shock. Couldn’t take it all in. It was her body trying to protect itself, breaking the news to her gently. She kept trying to tell herself there was nothing to worry about. After all, he’d offered her a cup of tea, maybe he wasn’t so bad. But she couldn’t unsee what she’d seen, much as she’d like to. The knowledge was a huge burden and she’d have to act on it even though it meant her life was over.
A few hours later Thomas returned and, behaving as if everything was fine, wanted them to go out.
‘No,’ she said, white-faced and implacable. ‘You go.’
She sat in the flat on Saturday night and prepared herself to leave. Trying to bridge the huge gap between knowing she should and actually being able to.
She spent Sunday with Fintan and made no mention of the turmoil she was in. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, it was because she wasn’t able to. Couldn’t put words on the enormousness of the task hanging over her, like an axe waiting to fall.
Instead she watched Milo and Liv, listened to Katherine’s glowing tale, and thought, That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
‘So, Ravi,’ Tara forced a smile, ‘now you know why I asked about the van.’
‘I’ll look up the Yellow Pages immediately,’ he promised.
‘You think I should leave him, don’t you?’ She buttonholed him anxiously.
‘But you’ve just said…’
‘I was hoping you’d tell me that I was overreacting wildly.’
‘You’re not,’ he said, sadly.
‘I’m so scared.’ She thrust a cigarette in her mouth and he lit it for her. ‘Of being on my own. Of being old and on the shelf. I’ll never get anyone else.’
‘Of course you will –’
‘How do you know? A fat cow like me. Oh, Ravi, you should have seen Katherine on Saturday. The excitement, and the looking-forwardness. It was wonderful, like being a teenager again, even I could feel it.’
‘Yeah, but that mad buzz doesn’t last long,’ he said anxiously. ‘Even Danielle and I –’
‘But all the same,’ she interrupted, ‘if two people are going out with each other, shouldn’t they at least like each other?’
‘And you don’t like Thomas?’
‘No. And he doesn’t like me. If he did he wouldn’t spend so much time telling me I’m a fat cow. Isn’t there something wrong with him constantly trying to change me?’
‘Yes. Bloody right. I’ve tried to tell you.’
Tara’s face was thoughtful. ‘I knew it, but I didn’t know it, do you know what I mean?’
‘You knew it, but you didn’t want