Last Chance Saloon - Marian Keyes [6]
‘ “An aged face has so much character,” ’ Tara mimicked. ‘That’s good coming from the man who nearly had to move into a bigger flat to house his Clinique collection. A curator is what your bathroom needs. You could nearly open it to the public.’
‘Mee-yow!’ Fintan laughed. (Some phrases had survived his re-reinvention.)
Then the conversation moved inexorably on to the ticking of their biological clocks.
‘I would love to have a baby,’ Liv said wistfully. ‘I hate having a womb on hold.’
‘No!’ Katherine chided. ‘You’re only looking for fulfilment and all you’ll get is misery.’
‘Don’t worry. It’s not going to happen,’ Liv mourned. ‘Not while my boyfriend is married to someone else. And lives in Sweden.’
‘At least you have a boyfriend,’ Fintan said cheerfully. ‘Not like Katherine here. How long is it, Katherine, since you did the nasty?’ Katherine simply smiled mysteriously and Fintan sighed. ‘What are we to do with you? It’s not like you don’t get offers from sexy men.’
Katherine smiled again, this time slightly more tightly.
‘You know, I’d love a baby,’ Fintan admitted. ‘It’s my one big regret about being a pouf.’
‘But you can,’ Tara cheered. ‘Find an obliging woman, do a rent-a-womb contract and away you go.’
‘Too true. What about one of you? Katherine?’
‘No,’ Katherine said shortly. ‘I’m never having children.’
Fintan laughed at her disgusted expression. ‘The love of a good man, that’ll change your mind. What about you, Tara? Feel the old womb twang at the thought of some baby-carrying action?’
‘Yes, no… I don’t know, maybe,’ Tara dithered. ‘But, let’s face it, I can hardly take care of myself. Having to wash, feed and dress someone else would be the undoing of me. I’m just too immature.’
‘Look at what happened to poor Emma,’ Katherine agreed. Emma, an old friend, had been the goodest of good-time girls, until she had two babies in quick succession. ‘Once upon a time she was fabulous. Now she looks like an eco-warrior.’
‘The loss of a good woman,’ said Tara. ‘No time to wash her hair because she’s busy wiping bums. But she’s happy.’
‘Think of Gerri,’ Katherine reminded. Gerri was another erstwhile party-girl who’d had a baby and promptly turned into one herself. ‘She’s completely lost the ability to speak like an adult.’
‘But she’s potty-trained and can count to ten,’ Liv said. ‘She’s happy too.’
‘Then there’s Melanie,’ Katherine said, darkly. ‘Used to be so liberal. Now she’s turned into a right-wing Fascist who’d give the National Front a run for their money. That’s what having a child can do to you. She’s so busy signing petitions against suspected paedophiles that she’s forgotten who she is.’
‘But think what it would be like to hold your own little baby in your arms,’ Liv said, softly. ‘The joy! The happiness!’
‘Mush alert!’ Tara giggled. ‘She’s going all mushy. Stop her, someone.’
‘What did Thomas give you for your birthday, Tara?’ To stop Liv from bursting into broody tears, Katherine spoke before thinking.
‘A ten-shilling note?’ Fintan suggested.
‘Ten shillings?’ Tara scoffed. ‘Have sense. He’d never be that flash,’ she added. ‘A farthing would be more like it.’ She banged her fist on the table and, in a Yorkshire accent, announced, ‘I’m not mean, I’m just careful.’ She sounded uncannily like Thomas.
‘A flowerpot covered in Polyfilla, with shells stuck to it, that he’d done himself? A used biro?’ Fintan pressed.
‘He gave me a Thomas Holmes special.’ Tara reverted to her normal voice. ‘A jar of magnolia hand cream and a promise of liposuction when he wins the lottery.’
‘Isn’t he hilarious?’ Fintan said sarcastically.
‘Was it a new jar of hand cream?’ Katherine kept her tone expressionless. ‘Or did he steal it from the ladies’ toilets at work?’
‘Please!’ Tara was disgusted. ‘Of course it wasn’t new. It’s the same one he gave me last Christmas. I just threw it in the bottom of the wardrobe and he obviously found it and recycled it.’
‘What a meaner!’ Liv couldn’t stop herself exclaiming.
‘He’s not