Last Chance Saloon - Marian Keyes [76]
At four in the morning she bumped awake and found herself cuddling the remote. Foreboding hung over her and it took a few seconds to identify exactly what it was. Then she remembered. Joe going out. Angie going too. In a flash she realized that he could be in bed with her right now. Right now. Somewhere across town, Joe Roth could be in bed, his arm around a naked woman. Katherine had fallen into the trap of thinking that she should be that woman. That his ardour belonged solely to her.
Flat on her back, she looked anxiously at the ceiling. It was a long time since she’d had interrupted sleep, and she didn’t like what it meant. Old, old feelings were upon her, twisting and tormenting her.
Suddenly she was nineteen again, the pain of having her heart smashed into smithereens for the first time as fresh as ever. She’d been working as a trainee accountant in Limerick, but just couldn’t bear to stay there any longer because she associated it with her lost love. She felt she’d go insane if she didn’t get away. So she’d handed in her notice at Good & Elder, which caused consternation because she’d been doing so well. Although not so well lately, once her superior thought about it.
Then she went home to Knockavoy, hoping she’d outrun the pain. Unannounced, she arrived on the bus one September afternoon. Everyone was surprised to see her, because she hadn’t been home much all summer. They were even more surprised when it transpired that she was back for good. She had been the class of ’85’s one big success story, the one that got away. Now she was home, and wouldn’t say why.
Tara and Fintan’s initial delight at her return soon changed to alarm. She’d obviously been very badly burned by the boyfriend she’d had in Limerick. Something to do with the snide way she sneered any time either of them said they fancied a boy gave it away. ‘What’s the point?’ she’d scorn, heatedly. ‘They pretend to be mad about you, then as soon as you’re sucked in they leave.’
‘I wouldn’t mind being sucked in.’ Fintan laughed, while Katherine glared.
‘You’re far better off on your own,’ she insisted, her face a twisted, pained mask.
She’d always been so sweet and sunny before. Even if she didn’t partake of boys herself, she’d never had any objection if they did. What had happened?
‘Please tell us,’ they asked over and over, with increasing desperation. ‘It helps to talk about it. I swear to you, we know what it’s like.’
But she wouldn’t be drawn. She couldn’t be drawn.
Meanwhile, locked in her silence, the longing tore her apart. And wouldn’t go away.
She’d been brought up in a women-only house, had no male uncles, had never had a real boyfriend before, and she’d always been happy. But now that she’d experienced the presence of intense masculinity in her life everything was different, and she’d tapped into a great well of need. She wanted love and balm – from a man. Though it didn’t make any sense to her, she felt that only a man could take away the pain inflicted by another.
But what was she going to do? The idea of falling in love again filled her with terror. Besides, she’d never get over her broken heart. Then, one sleepless night, two weeks after her return from Limerick, she thought of Geoff Melody, her father. And everything fell into place.
Immediately, the desire to meet him was powerful and all-consuming. She wanted to get out of bed, there and then, and go to England to look for him. What baffled her was how she could have left it until now. How could she not have felt this gaping absence before? Why had she wasted so much time?
Fresh, sweet hope swept aside her bitter pain and suddenly Katherine had a reason for living. She’d thought her life was over, that no one would ever love her again, but she’d been given another chance. Instantly her father became the repository for all her dreams and aspirations. He’d understand her – he was probably just like her. He would be her salvation, she was certain of it. It was obvious that everything would be okay now.
What would he be