Leaving the Atocha Station - Ben Lerner [29]
CYRUS: Yes. I held her back. As I was holding her back I saw the girlfriend go under again, then reemerge briefly another, I don’t know, ten feet down
ME: fuck
CYRUS: where the rapids were intense, and then she was really swept downriver. So
CYRUS: so Jane and I ran back onto the bank and to the truck and then, yelling something about what we were doing to the other swimmers—the friend was holding the boyfriend back who was now screaming—screaming in a very primal way, you understand—not screaming words. So we drove downriver hoping to get in front of her, to fish her out of the river or something
CYRUS: You there?
ME: i’m here
CYRUS: So we had to return to the main road and then floored it for a little while then jumped out of the truck and rushed back down to the water. We could still hear the boyfriend screaming
ME: but you got in front of her
CYRUS: The river had widened again and then there was some sort of dam, and she went over the dam before we could figure out what to do
ME: she was conscious?
CYRUS: She didn’t seem to be struggling. It was kind of hard to see, or at least it’s hard for me to remember. So we had to get back into the truck and drive farther down the river again—there was no other way
ME: go on
CYRUS: There was no other way
CYRUS: so on the other side of the dam there was a kind of pool—no current. And her body was there. And we rushed into the water and dragged her to the shore
ME: was she breathing
CYRUS: No
ME: so what did you
CYRUS: We laid her on the bank and I gave her or tried to give her mouth to mouth. She didn’t seem, I can’t really say what I mean by this, given that she wasn’t breathing, but she didn’t seem dead. Her white
ME: jesus, man
ME: i don’t even know how to give cpr
CYRUS: shirt, her undershirt, was pulled up over her head. I had to pull it back down over her breasts. Which was somehow embarrassing. She was cut up pretty bad
CYRUS: Neither do I, really. I tried. She kind of, I don’t know, threw up in my mouth
ME: you mean was revived—spit out water—so she was alive
CYRUS: No. There was vomit in her mouth I guess. And then I threw up onto the bank. She was dead
ME: jesus. i am so sorry you
CYRUS: I tried again. I didn’t know what I was doing. Our teeth, I can’t get this out of my mind, I accidentally clicked my teeth against her teeth at some point, like
CYRUS: like in a clumsy kiss or something. Prom. And I kept thinking of course that she had only got in the water because I had got in the water
ME: no way to blame yourself for any of this
CYRUS: And I was also worried that the cpr had killed her, I think I was pressing way too hard on her chest—or that
ME: what is jane doing during all of this
CYRUS: she would have been, at least, revived in better hands
CYRUS: I don’t really know. Helping me I guess
ME: so she was dead
CYRUS: She was dead
ME: fuck, man
ME: what did you do then
CYRUS: We could hear the boyfriend screaming again. Except now I think he was injured too. He was closer. He probably got in the water again and broke an arm or leg or whatever. But he was screaming “kill me” or something from the bank. He wasn’t screaming about his injuries. He knew she was dead
ME: what did you do
CYRUS: We took her body, Jane and I carried her body to the truck and raced toward the pueblo. We were maybe pretending a little to ourselves there was still something to be done, I mean, that fantasy was somewhere in our bodies—she was of course dead. But we, I mean, nobody had a phone
ME: i thought you had a cell phone
CYRUS: Broke a long time ago. So the first place we found that had people, phones, was a roadside restaurant a few minutes before the pueblo. We got out and I managed to scream out what had happened as I pointed to the body and a couple of men from the restaurant rushed out and helped us lay the body there, on the ground. Her eyes were wide open, by the way, and her mouth
ME: jesus
CYRUS: Various people gathered around, and somebody mentioned calling