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By Root 351 0

while we were still apart from it, we were close enough that our presence expressed fellowship. Without warning and with improbable volume, Carlos started a chant about Rajoy. He was bellowing, and yet he seemed completely calm. At first he was the only one chanting his chant and I hoped nobody would pick it up, that he would have to abandon it, embarrassed. But then the other people who were near the crowd but not part of it joined Carlos in chanting. And once the people who were near the crowd were linked by the chant, they moved and we moved with them into the crowd and were absorbed. Then Carlos’s chant spread from our part of the crowd forward and grew deafening. Carlos’s voice was no longer distinct and I looked at his handsome face and hated it.

Again I retreated and Teresa saw me go and just waved good-bye and I felt annihilated. I tried to smile at her in a manner that doubted her politics, doubted her place in the crowd, but could not. I wound my way through various small streets until I found myself near Sol. From there I walked to my apartment and once in my apartment read about the unfolding events of which I’d failed to form a part. The elections were tomorrow. I tried to think about whether public outrage would cost the PP the elections, about blood on the platform and the makeshift morgue in the convention center near Atocha, but instead I imagined making love with Teresa as if I were remembering it. Then I imagined her fucking Carlos and felt sure that when I left they had gone immediately back to her apartment. I tried to think about Isabel, could not, but was reminded of the necklace, which I took out of its case. It felt like I’d been carrying it for years. I put it back in its case and left the apartment for the jewelers to see if I could return it. By the time I reached the jewelers I doubted I would have the courage to face the woman who sold it to me; I was relieved to find the store was closed.

I walked to the Reina Sofía, bought a ticket, and wandered through the giant Calder exhibit. The museum was almost empty. The large white rooms reminded me of Teresa’s apartment and I imagined sleeping with both Carlos and Teresa at the same time and being humiliated by his beauty and size. I pictured giving Teresa the necklace, how she would accept it graciously but without surprise or emotion and I was furious at her. There was a very young museum guard, a teenager, sending a text beneath a giant mobile. I approached her and said that I had bought a necklace for my girlfriend but that we had broken up and I was leaving the country the next day; I didn’t want the necklace, would she like it. Without giving her time to answer, I handed her the case and walked away.

From the museum I went to the café where I took my lunch almost daily and ordered one of the hard sandwiches and a watery beer. When I had finished my meal I was surprised that it was dusk, I must have slept very late, and I walked into El Retiro to buy more hash. I scoured the park but could not find a dealer anywhere. It occurred to me that they’d probably been rounded up by the police, questioned, and perhaps deported since, as I had read, there was some speculation that the bombers had come from North Africa. I sat on a bench and watched the wind in the old-world trees and said to myself that I would not go to Teresa’s apartment or the gallery. I swore that I would wait for her to come to me and if she never came, so be it. But then I said to myself that History was being made and that I needed to be with Spaniards to experience it; I should at least try to find Arturo. I knew I was only elaborating an excuse to see Teresa. I tried to justify my pettiness by meditating on the relation of the personal to the historical but my meditations did not go far; I stood, absently checked my pockets for tranquilizers, and began to walk quickly through the thickening dusk.

I was lost for a little while but eventually found her building, rang the bell, and was immediately buzzed in. As the elevator slowly ascended—it worked without the key—I began to