Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [27]
About two and a half minutes later I walked back to the patio to rejoin Chelsea for a nightcap.
“What happened?” Amy asked.
I went to grab a chair.
“Don’t sit down. You don’t get to sit down until you tell us what happened,” Chelsea warned.
“She didn’t go for it,” I mumbled as I ignored Chelsea’s command and sat down.
“What do you mean she didn’t go for it?” Chelsea asked. “We need details, Roy. Let’s get serious.”
I sighed. I was tired, ashamed, and defeated. “I went into the room, just like you told me. Gina was passed out. I quietly shut the door so that I wouldn’t startle her. Then I took off my T-shirt and my boxers.”
“Wait, what?” Sarah asked as she choked on a lemon. “You took off your boxers?” She, Amy, and Chelsea all started laughing hysterically.
“You told me to get in bed with her!” I semi-yelled. I don’t really like to raise my voice.
“I didn’t tell you to get in bed with her naked,” Chelsea shot back. “What is wrong with you?” She then proceeded to laugh harder than I think I’ve ever seen her laugh. “What did she do?” she said, rolling on the patio.
“Well, she woke up and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. I quickly realized that she didn’t want me in bed with her—even though you told me that she did—so I panicked. I told her I was just trying to get some shut-eye.”
“Some naked shut-eye,” Amy said with a laugh.
“Shut up, Amy. What do you know about sex. You’re a lesbian,” I fired back.
“Roy, please continue,” Chelsea said.
“Well, she told me that she’d heard my T-shirt and boxers hit the floor, which is ludicrous. Pants maybe, but who hears boxers hit the floor? She said that she knew I was naked. She told me to get the fuck out of the room and to stay away from her for the rest of the trip.”
Chelsea was delighted. In her wildest dreams, she didn’t imagine that I would have removed all of my clothing.
“It’s not funny, Chelsea,” I scolded her. “Now Gina thinks I’m a sex offender. We were kind of friends before, and now she probably hates me. I wonder if she’s going to press charges.”
“Oh, calm down,” Chelsea said with a sigh. “I’ll take care of it.” She assured me that she would tell Gina the next day that she had made me get in bed with her. I don’t know if she planned to tell her that the naked part was my idea, and I didn’t ask.
“Thank you, Roy. That’s the hardest I’ve laughed since I broke up with Ted.”
I looked at my sister, feeling glad that I could give her that gift. So what if Gina started carrying a rape whistle around me? At least my little sister was happy. As Chuy so wisely put it once, “When Chelsea’s happy, everybody’s happy.”
Gina and me on the plane ride home from Cabo that weekend. You can see the distance between us. Chelsea took this photo and laughed the whole way home. Gina and I have recently been able to cook together again. It took some time.
“Just so I’m clear,” I asked Chelsea, “do you still think she likes me?”
For the record: my brother is the horniest person I have ever met, and although I find that disturbing, it is one of my great pleasures in life to be a catalyst in his getting penetration.
—Chelsea
Chapter Five
My Name Is Brad Wollack and I Am Unattractive
BRAD WOLLACK
Me and Chelsea in a rare tender moment when she allowed herself to be vulnerable to my advances.
Chelsea Handler is a hypocrite. The one thing she hates more than anything in life is a liar, and yet Chelsea lies more than anyone else. And not simple lies like “Brad, you were on TMZ last night—oh, wait, it was just a shot of Kathy Griffin’s pubes.” No, we’re talking about emotionally crippling lies.
If she sees your weakness, she pounces. In fact, that’s really the underlying premise of this book. The back cover doesn’t say it, but it should read, “Here’s the deal, Chelsea Handler mercilessly fucks with those around her. They all just have to take it, and here are some of their pathetic stories.”
There are some of