Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [4]
These two things are what help to make her so incredibly dangerous that within seconds shit goes really bad.
Here’s an office favorite:
Chelsea was on one of her “I’m bored” predatory strolls through the office one day when she found my computer unlocked. Since lunch that day had nothing in it that would have been interesting to smear on my keyboard, she decided to do me a favor and answer a few e-mails for me.
I didn’t know what had happened until after the show, when I got back to my computer and found some e-mails from Kenneth Falcon, one of the senior vice presidents of E! Entertainment. I’ve never met Mr. Falcon, but his name always puts a smile on my face. That’s because whenever I run across the original Die Hard on network TV, I have to sit through it to see my favorite moment: when the network censors have to figure out what the shit they’re going to use to replace the profanity in Bruce Willis’s character’s famous catchphrase “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!” Wait for it, wait for it. Here it comes…“Yippee ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!” Exactly.
There’s nothing unusual about receiving an e-mail from Mr. Falcon, because he sends out corporate-wide messages every day, about things that don’t affect me and crap I completely ignore. But the e-mail I was looking at was different because I noticed it was addressed specifically and personally to me.
By that point, I’d been working with the busty habitual liar Chelsea for quite some time, so I was smart enough to realize that Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire had responded to one of Mr. Falcon’s messages from my e-mail account. My mind reeled with the possibilities. What could I possibly have said to one of the senior VPs of the company I worked for?
I looked quickly to the beginning of the e-mail chain to see what my dear friend and boss had done to ruin my life. I knew she’d done something terrible, because if there’s one thing I can say about Chelsea, it’s that she never does anything half-assed.
I started with the original corporate-wide e-mail. Enjoy.
From: Kenneth Falcon
Sent: Friday, September 26, 2008, 8:42 AM
To: Office—Los Angeles Courtyard—All
Subject: Sunday, Sept 28: Wilshire Closed Between Fairfax and San Vicente
All—
For your planning purposes this weekend, please note that the Israeli Consulate is hosting a major event on Sunday, September 28, 2008, in front of their building at 6380 Wilshire Boulevard.
Wilshire Boulevard will be closed between San Vicente Boulevard and Fairfax Avenue between 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. The planned ceremony will start at 1:00 p.m., and a large crowd is anticipated.
If you will be in the office or are scheduled to work on Sunday, please allow extra time to make it to the office.
From: Johnny Milord
Friday, September 26, 2008, 10:00 AM
Subject: RE: Sunday, Sept 28: Wilshire Closed Between Fairfax and San Vicente
Kenneth—I’m glad you sent this e-mail. Although I’m not Jewish, I have several friends who’ve volunteered in the Israeli Army and, through them, have become familiar with their tradition and some of their holidays, such as Rosh Kipper. I firmly believe it’s our last line of defense in the Middle East. In fact, I’d be interested in getting your thoughts on which presidential candidate is better equipped to deal with this ongoing debacle. Hope to hear from you soon, Johnny
From: Kenneth Falcon
Friday, September 26, 2008, 10:55 AM
Subject: RE: Sunday, Sept 28: Wilshire Closed Between Fairfax and San Vicente
That is an interesting question. While I do support Obama, I do understand that McCain has more experience in foreign policy. I’m really glad the debate is moving forward tonight and look forward to what each candidate has to say on the subject.
From: Johnny Milord
Friday,