Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [41]
Shannon glared at me. The jig was up. I offered a sheepish grin, and she simply said, “You’re an idiot.” Then she took my first-class ticket and handed me hers. That’s why I married her: she knows me so well.
As Shannon settled into her plush first-class seat with a mimosa, I lumbered back to the forty-eighth row of the plane, climbed over two smelly Greeks, and assumed my seat in the dead center seat of the middle row. Even worse? The smelly Greek to my left was reading—wait for it—Time magazine. Clearly that was someone’s way of saying, “In your face, asshole.”
While I forgave Chelsea soon after, Shannon did not forgive as easily. My first day back at the office, I received the following e-mail from her.
TELL THEM THAT WE WANT THE $1,000 BACK FROM THE NIGHT/DAY THEY RUINED AT ONE OF THE BEST HOTELS IN THE WORLD. I COULD BUY A NEW PURSE WITH THAT MONEY.
Considering that Chelsea had helped fund half the trip with her wedding gift, I wasn’t going to ask her to pay us back, but I did appreciate that Shannon, my wonderful new bride, clearly had her purse-buying priorities straight.
Chelsea Handler has caused me extreme turmoil, angst, fear, and thousands of dollars in psychiatry bills that aren’t covered by my insurance. However, in the end, I’ve realized what this all means: if Chelsea takes the time and energy out of her insanely hectic life and goes to extraordinary lengths to screw yours up royally, leaving you utterly humiliated and degraded, then you’ll know you’re good to go. She clearly loves you.
My dad, Chelsea, and me in Tahoe. You can see Chelsea’s enthusiasm in hanging out with my family.
Chelsea, for everything you’ve done, thank you and… fuck off.
I want to go on record that Shannon is a very close friend of mine, and I would never have allowed Brad to return from their honeymoon early. I would have come clean had I known that Brad was egomaniacal enough to shortchange his bride on her honeymoon for a picture in a magazine. He is a sad, sad clown. My apologies to Shannon exclusively.
-Chelsea
Shannon and Chelsea in Turks and Caicos without me. Chelsea says she prefers not to see my body on her vacations.
Chapter Six
Dial Tone, a Chelsea Specialty
AMBER MAZZOLA
Chelsea and me in London on her very first book tour.
Chelsea Handler is a dirty fucking liar. But what most people don’t know is she respects honesty and loyalty more than anything. That is, if it’s on her terms. But she’s okay with lying if it’s for a joke because for her, laughter trumps all.
My friendship with Chelsea started ten years ago, when she was one of the stars of the hidden camera show Girls Behaving Badly. She would offer happy endings at car washes, sit in shopping carts yelling at passersby, drink vodka and sodas at bars while wearing a pregnancy suit, and test out makeup artists for her “newborn,” to name a few stunts. I was the girl who jumped out of a cardboard box, camera in hand, in the middle of Ventura Boulevard, screaming, “You’ve just been pranked by Girls Behaving Badly!” We were quite a pair.
Back then, Chelsea was paid to lie. Now she does it as a hobby.
“Sarah” is the pseudonym Chelsea gave me in her three books. The anonymity was a nice touch, until she decided to blow my cover on Jay Leno when she referred to her friend Amber who took off her shirt in the London restaurant Dining in the Dark. Immediately after, I got dozens of text messages from people I hadn’t heard from in years, people I wasn’t that interested in hearing from.
“That was you? Did you really take your top off at a restaurant?”
Everyone knows Chelsea is a liar, so I just chalked it up to that. “Oh, come on! Do you really think I would take my top off? Of course not!” Chelsea’s reputation comes in handy.
Sometimes, very rarely, she lies for the right reasons, if that’s at all possible.
When I was going through a horrible breakup that would