Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [61]
The first time I met Chelsea I was nineteen. I was working at the Denver Comedy Club and she was there performing for the week. I immediately loved her. I didn’t necessarily think that she was that funny, but she seemed smart and quick. I also really loved the fluorescent scrunchies she wore in her hair. Sometimes a well-dressed ponytail is all it takes to get me going, and don’t even get me started on how I feel about an organized French braid. Since then, Chelsea has ditched the scrunchies, but there are some memories that nobody can take away from me.
While Chelsea was in Denver, she had to go to several radio stations and give on-air interviews to promote her shows. It was my responsibility to make sure she made it to those stations and that she was comfortable.
You know that feeling you get when someone comes up to you and starts massaging your shoulders without asking first? You become very still and uncertain while the unwelcome massage quickly becomes kind of creepy and uncomfortable. All you can think about is how badly you want that person’s hands off you. You can’t really function or make any sudden movements without making things really awkward, so all you say is “Oh, thanks… you don’t have to do that. No, really. That’s okay. Please. Get off me.”
Well, I was giving Chelsea those massages during her radio interviews. My intention was to relax her; it was early in the morning and from what I’d seen with other stand-up comics over the years, there was a good chance she was hungover. Luckily, instead of getting irritated and shouting, “Stranger danger!” the way many had in the past, Chelsea appeared to enjoy my famous touch. She said it was really weird that I had no boundaries when it came to molesting her shoulders, and she appreciated someone who didn’t care if they made other people uncomfortable. After that she lovingly nicknamed me Sloppy Sea Bass. I don’t know what that had to do with the massage, but coming from Chelsea, that nickname was a sign of affection.
Chelsea liked something else about me, but when I recently asked her to tell me what that “something” was, she said she’d have to get back to me. One thing that Chelsea did recognize about me was that I had a passion for comedy. I guess I didn’t hide it all that well, since all I talked about was my passion for comedy. I’ve often been told that I don’t have much of a life, but the joke is on the people who say that to me, because the fact is I don’t. But at least I’m aware of it.
She also enjoyed my sense of humor. One day I went to use the restroom and noticed that Chelsea was in the stall next to mine. When I heard another person enter the bathroom, I started yelling, “What is all of this blood? There’s so much blood!” Chelsea exited her stall and the bathroom, completely ignoring me and leaving the stranger to deal with my pretend situation. Ten minutes later, Chelsea offered me a job as her publicist.
Working at a comedy club in Denver was enjoyable, but there wasn’t a ton of room to move up the ladder. At best I would have become head waitress one day. I was pretty eager to get my career going, so I accepted Chelsea’s offer and quit the club. I began working as her eager—probably overeager—publicist. It was hard work, but it was fun. I was still living in Denver, and she was in Los Angeles, which was fine, since most of the work I needed to do could be done from a phone or computer. We got along really well, which Chelsea says may have had something to do with the long-distance thing. In any case, we developed a pretty close relationship; it was like a sisterhood minus the traveling pants.
Then Chelsea got an offer to host her own show. Since she recognized over the years that I was a hard worker who also happened to have amazing breath, she offered me a full-time job as her assistant. I accepted and moved to Los Angeles. She generously allowed me to move in with her and her boyfriend while I got settled in the city and looked for my own place. She told me to keep an eye out for a place for her as well, because she hated her boyfriend.