Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [68]
“Really?” Jo asked. “She doesn’t seem like she sleeps around like that.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s her thing,” Chelsea told him. “She acts like she’s a good girl, but she porks everybody. It gets worse when we’re on the road. I think it has something to do with hotels and something that went down when she was in elementary school. Eva is pretty wound up, and sex is the only thing that seems to take the edge off for her.”
“That’s really surprising. I thought she was uptight.” Jo still couldn’t wrap his head around the new information.
“She used to be uptight, until she started doing anal,” Chelsea fired back.
Chelsea and Johnny continued to tell Jo Koy all about my sexual escapades. Chelsea told him that I had pretty much had sex with everybody at the office. She said that sometimes Chris Franjola took a turn. If Chris was too wiped out from meeting up with girls on Facebook, then Ian the PA took care of my needs. Chelsea explained to Jo that she wasn’t really an advocate of my behavior, but that I obviously had some sort of medical condition and sex was the only way I could be satiated. After all, I worked for her now, and she wanted what was best for her employees. If constant porking was what kept me alert, then constant porking it would be. She also told him that I had even gone so far as to sleep with Jeremy, the guy at the office who everyone was certain had never taken a shower.
Here’s where the story takes a twist that even Chelsea couldn’t have anticipated: Jo Koy and I had just started dating at the time. I hadn’t had the chance to tell Chelsea about it yet; it was pretty new. Honestly, I was avoiding telling her. That turned out to be a big mistake, because it turns out that she actually encourages inter-office romance. Jo was texting me throughout the entire dinner, but was not mentioning any of the things Chelsea was saying to him. He was obviously afraid to rattle my cage, for fear that one mean text from him would send me into a fury and I’d screw the bellhop.
Later that night, he called me and grilled me about my supposed sexual disorder.
“Really? Jeremy? That guy probably hasn’t bathed in six months! Last time I saw him he had nacho cheese in his beard and when I asked him about it he said he hadn’t had nachos in three weeks!”
“Have you ever been tested? Do I need to get tested?” Jo was concerned.
It took me a while to understand what he was upset about and even longer to calm him down. After four hours of talking, he finally understood that he was just another victim of a lie that Chelsea Handler had told.
It’s hard to find a way to get back at Chelsea for the pranks she’s pulled. Every time anyone has tried they’ve failed. She’s too smart to fall for it, so you really have to go behind her back and through other channels.
It’s no secret that Chelsea and her dad have a love/hate relationship. He has asked her for money on more than one occasion, even though he has plenty of his own. He assumes that now that she’s making money she should be taking care of him. The way the two of them communicate completely stresses me out, because I just want everything with her family to be fine. So I came up with the idea to mend fences for her. If it also resulted in a little bit of payback, then I’d consider that a bonus.
One day Chelsea received a phone call from one of her sisters letting her know how much their father appreciated the beautiful letter Chelsea had sent him. When Chelsea asked what letter she was talking about, her sister read it to her:
Dear Daddy,
I am so sorry that we have had any arguments over the past couple of years about money or about anything else. I’ve really been thinking about things and I have come to realize that you’re right. I am now in a position to support you financially. The fact that you have enough money to support yourself and your cleaning lady doesn’t matter. You brought me into this world and as a thank-you I should be there to see you out of it. You are an