Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [70]
When Ted responded, “Everything is going to be okay, honey. I love you, and we will figure this out together,” she replied, “You are so ridiculous,” and hung up the phone.
The second and third time went something like this: Chelsea crying, “Ted, I’m pregnant and I’m not kidding. None of my clothes fit. I think I’m already showing.”
In Ted’s typical problem-solving style, he suggested she wear Spanx, to which she barked, “Ted, that will give the baby brain damage. I don’t want the baby to be slow. We already have Chuy.”
Why, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, would Ted have believed these shenanigans? Because Chelsea is infectious. She can be so warm and fun that you want to believe her just to be part of her world. I’m here to tell you that that world is overrated.
A favorite Ted lie of mine, and one that I think is so telling of their relationship, is the “very, very, very, superior Chelsea” lie. This happened on a Tuesday night. It was just the two of them, so I’m assuming her ADD ass was in high gear and she was bored out of her mind.
They were having dinner at some fancy restaurant and Chelsea said, “Oh, so I got the results back from my IQ test today. I scored a hundred and fifty. Is that good?”
I can only presume this line was delivered in complete seriousness and as an aside, right before ordering some albacore sashimi. Like, “Yeah, Albert Einstein’s IQ was one-sixty and I’m Chelsea Handler cruising through the west side of Los Angeles with my very superior IQ of one-fifty. It ain’t no thang.”
There are so many responses you can imagine or hope that a boyfriend would have upon hearing that his girlfriend is another Einstein. But one wouldn’t expect him to put his head in his hands and, after a long beat of silence, say, “I was afraid of something like this.”
The revelation of Chelsea’s genius IQ completely changed the dynamic of their relationship. Ted is a very smart and capable man—he was the CEO of our company at the time—and had the wherewithal to bag Chelsea Handler, but make no mistake about it: Ted is not a genius. From that moment on, there was no denying that she now had the upper hand in the relationship. (Technically, this would make Ted the “bottom.”) If they ever argued over the show or even about restaurant choices, all she had to say was “I’m sorry, which one of us is the genius?”
Chelsea Handler is a sharp cookie and has a beautifully bizarre brain. She may also be many things, but she is not a genius.
To be honest, I have no idea how many times Chelsea has lied to me. Most likely it’s already occurred at least twice this morning.
During our first season on air, she and our executive producer, Tom, told me that we were going to hang Chuy on the cross for the Christmas episode. The art department was building a cross, and I had one day to pull together a Jesus costume. Tom and Chelsea let me know it was really important to make the costume look authentic. If we were going to piss off the Christians, it had to be done right.
“No problem,” I assured them. I already had the muslin cloth to make Chuy’s loincloth. Warner Bros.’ costume department had the rope sandals we needed for Chuy’s nugget feet. All I had to do was make a crown of thorns. “Oh and how bloody do you want to make him?” I asked.
“Amy, the man was nailed to a cross,” Chelsea told me. “It wasn’t a pretty situation. But this is Christmas, so find a happy middle ground.”
The next day Chelsea was in her makeup chair when I paraded Jesus Chuy in for her approval. If you can make Chelsea laugh, it’s a pretty good feeling, even if you don’t realize that she’s laughing at you.
“Oh, my God, Amy, get Tom down here!” she howled, holding her vagina as she’s known to do when she’s comedically aroused. Seconds later, Tom appeared in Chelsea’s office and fell into hysterics. I felt amazing. Then Chelsea instructed Chuy to practice the line “Fuck the Jews!”
“Fuck the Yews,” Chuy exclaimed. “Fuck the Yews!”
I was horrified. “We are not going to have him say, ‘Fuck the Jews,’ Chelsea,