Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [72]
An African American bellhop walked into our hotel room to collect our bags. Chelsea walked out of the bathroom and smiled at him. He smiled back and said, “Good morning, Miss Handler. I hope you’re enjoying your stay with us.” She replied, “Yes, I am. Thank you.” As he turned his back to place our bags on the luggage cart, she said in a sweet, soft voice intended only for my ears, “Wanna show me your big black cock?” Halfway through the word cock, I exclaimed in a loud and authoritative voice, “And these bags need to go, too, sir. What a beautiful day it is here in sunny Baltimore!” I did not shut up until he’d walked out the door with a fifty-dollar tip.
After MTV’s Video Music Awards, Chelsea took Gina (hair and makeup), all the writers, and me to Cabo to thank us for doing both the VMA and Chelsea Lately simultaneously. Chelsea wanted all of us to really relax, so she had her assistant set up a day at the spa for us. What a sweet boss. We get to the spa, check in, and our host takes us girls to the women’s locker room for a tour. Obviously Spanish was this woman’s first language, but she was speaking English, so I assumed she could understand it. As she was showing us the showers, Chelsea smiled and sweetly said, “Thanks. Do you take it up the tushie? My girlfriend here loves it in the anal cavity.” Our host showed us the steam room, and Chelsea responded with “Great. I’ll bet you have a very hairy pussy.” Next we were shown where to place our robes and dirty towels. Chelsea asked, “Wanna show me your pretty pussy?” The woman smiled through all of this, but I swear she was looking at us like we were nuts. Needless to say, I separated from the group as fast as possible. All of us are horrified when Chelsea does stuff like this, but the amazing thing is no one ever really seems to hear her except us. Her sisters have told me she has been pulling the under-her-breath shit for years, and that as long as she does it with a big smile on her face, the victim can never quite accept what he’s heard.
Once, Chelsea shot a movie in Vancouver with Reese Witherspoon (cool, chic, smart, funny: we adore her). One day we wrapped early. We decided to head back to our room, order room service, watch movies, and take a Lunesta so we could fall asleep at 9:30 PM. Dream evening! What a treat! Then the room service guy arrived. We had ordered a ton of shit and wanted to eat in bed. It’s the Four Seasons. The service is always impeccable, and this evening was no exception. Our server laid place mats on our bed, arranging our five-star dining experience.
Here is a sample of what came from Chelsea’s mouth while he was doing so: “Hi, sir, do you want to have a little fucky time with me? How big is your penis? I adore getting my pussy licked.” As she was saying all of these things, I scrambled out of the bed and shuffled him into the living room to place our food there. I had to tell him where to place everything, in an attempt to shut out Chelsea’s voice. When he placed a plate of French fries in front of her, she said in a loud voice, “Thank you, sir. That is very funny-looking spaghetti.” I looked at her and grabbed her face, and my eyes were saying, “Shut the fuck up” as my mouth said in a loud and slow voice, “No, Chelsea, these are French fries!” Then I signed the check, and that guy got the fuck out of our room as fast as he could move. Once the door shut, Chelsea jumped out of the bed laughing and holding her vagina so she wouldn’t pee in her underwear. For three days she would reenact my saying “No, Chelsea, these are French fries!” like I was Forrest Gump, and then laugh uncontrollably. The girl loves to laugh, especially when no one else is laughing with her.
Everyone in Chelsea’s life is there for two reasons: she loves them, and they are willing to be humiliated.
Chelsea did a stand-up show in Tampa with Jo Koy. After they performed, everyone in Handy’s entourage—her agent; her assistant,