Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [86]
She’d rescued all of us.
I love you, too, Chunk. You’re a real asshole, and I respect that. I’d also like to apologize for the bevy of men you’ve had to share our bed with. I have tried to be more selective in my thirties, but not every day is a home run. I do promise never to let another man pick you up and force you to swim in our pool. Thank you for your patience, and thank you for not being a racist during that one brief period.
—Chelsea
This is Michael Broussard, my book “agent,” with his dog Dino (fucking mess), feeding alcohol to Chunk. As if I needed more proof, this made it clear that Chunk is my offspring.
Acknowledgments
Sarah Colonna, Sue Murphy, and Jeff Wild were also contributors to this book. They helped the people who have never taken part in a creative writing course or learned how to spell.
Me and Sue Murphy in the Bahamas.
Me and Sarah in Cabo.
Me and Jiffy at a Dodgers game in 2010.
A special thank you to my Borderline Amazing partner, Tom Brunelle, aka the man “behind” the scenes.
Me and Tom.
Table of Contents
Front Cover Image
Welcome
Dedication
Introduction
1. Zookeeper:
Johnny Kansas
2. Pap Smears and Punctuation Marks:
Stephanie Stehling
3. How to Make a Marriage Work:
Heather McDonald
4. A Brother’s Testimony:
Roy Handler
5. My Name Is Brad Wollack and I Am Unattractive:
Brad Wollack
6. Dial Tone, a Chelsea Specialty:
Amber Mazzola
7. Go Lakers:
Josh Wolf
8. Sisterly Love:
Shoshonna Handler
9. Eva Is My Name, Comedy Is My Game:
Eva Magdalenski
10. Lies and Other Things I Wish Were Lies:
Amy Meyer
11. Pubescent and Adolescent Mendacity, 1985–1991:
Glen Handler
12. Standards and Practices
13. Raise the Woof:
Chunk
Acknowledgments
Other Books Starring Chelsea Handler
Copyright
OTHER BOOKS STARRING
CHELSEA HANDLER
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
Copyright
Copyright © 2011 by Chelsea Handler, Inc.
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
A Chelsea Handler Book/Borderline Amazing® Publishing
Hachette Book Group
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com
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First eBook Edition: May 2011
A Chelsea Handler Book/Borderline Amazing® Publishing is an imprint of Grand Central Publishing. Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
ISBN: 978-1-455-50465-7