Lies & the Lying Liars Who Tell Them_ A Fair & Balanced Look at the Right - Al Franken [108]
The first two “shipwrecks,” known as “His Only Daughter” and “The Pride of His Mother,” come to alarmingly similar ends. In each, a promising, God-fearing student is allowed to go off to a secular university. After returning from their freshman years, both have lost their way, their faith shattered. The Only Daughter “rushed upstairs, stood in front of a mirror, took a gun, and blew out her brains.” Whereas the Pride of His Mother, having contracted “an unspeakable disease,” announces his intention to “buy a gun and blow out my brains.”
The third shipwreck, “The Son of an Aged Minister,” is less violent, though certainly just as tragic. He had been “a great boy, bright, clean, obedient, Christian.” Unfortunately, although the boy makes the life-saving decision to attend a Christian school, it isn’t BJU. “A skeptic had got in the Science Department” of the less-Christian Christian school, and when the boy returns home, he has lost his faith and becomes “a drunken, atheistic bum.”
So. Parents could save their kids from suicide, alcoholism, and the clap by forcing them to go to BJU. Excellent. This was our key. Since neither Andrew nor I could pull off being devout evangelical Christians, it would be Andrew’s mother who desperately wanted him to go to Bob Jones. Instead of being Andrew’s father, I would be a friend of the family—in fact, the best friend of Andrew’s father, who had died tragically of brain cancer—no wait, boating accident—three years ago. Andrew’s mom had sunk into a deep depression, then miraculously found Christ.
It was perfect. Neither Andrew nor I would have to know anything. But why wasn’t Mom there? Sick? No. Threw out her back carrying boxes of blood at a blood drive. At church. As you can see, we started putting way too much thought into the back story, and way too little into the fact that I have been on television for nearly thirty years.
Seeing as how we did spend the time on the back story, you really should hear it. Because it’s pretty good. Andrew’s father, Hank, my college roommate and financial advisor, ran an incredibly successful hedge fund. Andrew’s mother, Ellen, therefore, was not just a stunningly beautiful widow—she looks like Naomi Judd—but also fabulously wealthy. Now for the delicious spin. I was more than just a family friend. I had my eye on the Widow Barr, and seeing to it that young Andrew would agree to attend Bob Jones would be a feather in my cap.
Andrew’s part was equally delicious. Eager to please his mother, he had happily agreed to visit what he thought was just a typical, fun-in-the-sun Christian school. Our plan, as you can clearly see, was brilliant. Neither of us would have to know anything about either Christianity or Bob Jones University. We had thought of everything.
And, yes, I considered the possibility that I would be recognized. A disguise? Nah. I’d just cut my hair extra short. Yeah, that would do it.
“Hi, Mr. Franken! Big fan!” “Good to see you, Mr. Franken!” “Loved you on SNL!” These were the security guards at La Guardia. Nothing to worry about. We were still in New York. Didn’t mean the haircut wasn’t working.
We arrived in Greenville. The Hertz rent-a-car gal, also a big fan. That’s good, I explained to Andrew. It’s good to have a fan base. But this Hertz woman, she wasn’t a nutcase evangelical. She watched secular TV. Don’t worry.
So we got there around 11 A.M. Drove through the gates. Didn’t set off the Jew alarm. We’re in.
Took a look around. Not an unattractive campus. Buildings, grass—nice day. But the place was eerily devoid of human activity. We’d soon learn that everyone was at chapel, this being a weekday. Out of the car and into the Administration Building. At the desk, an extremely friendly, well-scrubbed, wide-eyed young man greeted