Lies & the Lying Liars Who Tell Them_ A Fair & Balanced Look at the Right - Al Franken [113]
In a way, I was glad that R.J. had cut short our tour before I got up on one of those giant crosses. (Although if he hadn’t, you’d be looking at a pretty cool picture right now.) I don’t begrudge them their religion. Hell, I admire it. No, I don’t. But it’s their right to have it. Just as it’s my inherent right to invade their privacy under false pretenses. No, it isn’t.
Doug, Duane, R.J., and especially Gerald, when you finally read this—we’re very sorry. Also, we stole some stuff from the gift shop. No, we didn’t.
Yes, we did.
No, we didn’t. We’re not crooks.
32
Thank God for Jerry Falwell
As you can imagine, it was hard for me to do my job after 9/11. I’m a comedian, and there wasn’t much to laugh about.
Thank God for Jerry Falwell. On 9/13, Falwell went on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club and blamed certain Americans for the events of that horrible day. Americans like me, and probably like you.
Falwell was widely criticized for his remarks. He said he was quoted out of context. So, I did a LexisNexis search and got the exact transcript.
I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face, and say, “you helped this happen.”
To which Robertson responded: “Well, I totally concur.”
Now, the only way I figure that could have been taken out of context is if it had been immediately preceded with, “I’d have to be a fucking nut to say . . .”
And by the way, Falwell and Robertson are kind of nuts. I know that’s rough, but I think I can prove it.
In early 1999, just as the whole millennium fervor was beginning, Jerry Falwell felt it was important to go on television and announce that the Antichrist was alive and was a male Jew.
As a male Jew, I was, of course, curious about who it was. I knew it wasn’t me. Fortunately, a few months later I was on Geraldo Rivera’s show Rivera Live with the Reverend Falwell. The subject of that evening’s program was not the identity of the Antichrist, but I couldn’t help myself.
I said, “Reverend Falwell, you said earlier this year that you believe the Antichrist is alive and is a male Jew.”
Falwell said, “The Antichrist is supposed to be the counterfeit Christ, and I think we’d all agree that Jesus was Jewish.”
Of course, I nodded. Made perfect sense. “I was wondering who it is. Is it Marvin Hamlisch?”
Falwell said he didn’t know whether or not the composer of “The Way We Were” and A Chorus Line was, in fact, the Antichrist. So Falwell’s a nut.
Now over to Robertson. I don’t know if you ever watch his show, The 700 Club. I still watch it every once in a while just to stay current. And when I do, the highlight is always when Pat does his faith healing. He’ll say something like, “There’s a woman in Ohio who’s just been cured of her diverticulitis. Praise God!”
I watch that, and I think to myself, Pat Robertson doesn’t think through everything he’s saying. Think about it. Let’s say for a minute that you’re a woman in Dayton and you have diverticulitis. You turn on The 700 Club and you hear Pat Robertson say, “There’s a woman in Ohio who’s just been cured of her diverticulitis. Praise God!” And you think it’s you!
Only, it’s not you. It’s a woman in Cincinnati. But you think it’s you. So you eat a bowl of nuts. And you die!
See? That’s why I don’t think Pat Robertson thinks through everything he’s saying. And frankly, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I mean, if God can tell Pat Robertson that it’s a woman, in Ohio, and it’s diverticulitis, and it’s been cured— why can’t he tell Pat Robertson