Lies & the Lying Liars Who Tell Them_ A Fair & Balanced Look at the Right - Al Franken [50]
On that day, I left for Minneapolis to visit my mom and play some charity golf.
On the next day, the world shook.
The day after that, they started blaming Clinton, covering their tracks, and accusing liberals of blaming America.
17
Our National Dialogue on Terrorism
Why do they hate us?
They hate us because they’re evil.
That’s it, huh? That’s the entire story?
Yes. They’re evil. And they hate us because of our freedoms.
They hate us because of our freedoms?
But really because they’re evil.
I know they’re evil. I was just thinking that maybe if we understood what specifically seemed to trigger the—
Why are you apologizing for the terrorists?
I’m not. They’re evil. You have no quarrel there. It’s just that maybe if we understoo—
Why are you on the terrorists’ side?
I’m not! I hate the terrorists. I was just saying we might be able prevent the next—
Three thousand Americans dead. How can you defend al Qaeda?
Believe me, I was not defending them. What they did was horrific and inexcusable. They’re evil. I was just—
Then why are you apologizing for them?
I’m not. I’m trying to say that maybe there are lessons we can—
Why do you hate America?
18
Humor in Uniform
As I said, I’ve gone overseas to entertain the troops on three separate occasions. And when I say the troops, I mean our troops. Whatever Ann Coulter would have you believe, I would never entertain any of our enemies. Besides, I’m mainly a verbal comedian. I doubt very much my stuff would translate to the North Koreans or Hamas.
Our men and women in uniform are the absolute best audiences I’ve ever worked in front of. Not because they love me. They like me. And they really appreciate that I bother to show up. But believe it or not, they’re usually more excited to see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Or Jewel. Or Clint Black. Or almost anyone else I’ve traveled with.
On my last, hastily-thrown-together, post-9/11 trip, I went with three very game New England Patriots cheerleaders. Our forces had just begun the operation in Afghanistan, which President Bush at first called Operation Infinite Justice. Which was a mistake. So was his calling our response to 9/11 a “crusade.” Not smart. I’ve always thought that in those first days, Karl Rove, the head of White House political operations, should have just gotten a Pakistani cab driver off the street in D.C. and run this stuff by him:
“Operation Infinite Justice?! Oh no! Please do not call it that! Only Allah can dispense infinite justice. Please, please do not call it that! . . . What else? . . . CRUSADE?!!! OH NO!!!”
So I’m flying across the Atlantic with the three New England Patriots cheerleaders at the start of what is now being called Operation Enduring Freedom. And I get an idea. Why not get some burkhas and introduce them as the Taliban cheerleaders?
I run the idea by Traci, the head cheerleader, and she thinks the idea is “wicked pissah.” We work out the bit on the plane.
I announce, “Here, straight from Kabul, the Taliban cheerleaders!” and they walk out covered head-to-toe in their burkhas.
“Ladies, could you do a number for us?”
Traci leans in, and she whispers through her hood into my ear.
“You’re not allowed to dance?” I ask incredulously. “You’re not even allowed to listen to music?”
Sadly, the three Taliban cheerleaders shake their heads “no.”
“But you’re not in Afghanistan anymore! You can do anything you want!” I turn to the troops. “Right, guys?!” The troops, presumably, cheer.
The cheerleaders look at each other. Even through the burkhas, you can just feel the sense of renewed hope. They huddle, talking animatedly. They decide to go for it! Music kicks in: “Gonna Make You Sweat!” by C + C Music Factory, and the Taliban cheerleaders, still in their burkhas,