Lies & the Lying Liars Who Tell Them_ A Fair & Balanced Look at the Right - Al Franken [86]
“That’s interesting.” Alan nodded.
“Interesting?”
“Yeah. I’ll look it up.”
“Look it up? You’re going to use it, right?”
“Well, that’s not the format of our show.”
“Not the format of your show?”
“We don’t go after each other. We go after the guests.”
“But if he keeps repeating something so blatantly hypocritical, why can’t—”
“That’s not the format of our show.”
“Look. I watch your show. Over and over Hannity keeps saying that ninety million Americans are going to get a thousand-dollar tax cut.”
“And I’ve corrected him on that,” Alan said.
“Yeah, once in a while—five minutes after he lies, you say something about how that’s an average, not a typical family. But then the next day he says it again. Can you at least talk to him after the show, and tell him to stop?”
“Well, we don’t really—that’s not . . .”
The format of their relationship.
I understood for the first time the genius of their format. Hannity, a right-wing propagandist, gets to lie and distort show after show, and Colmes, a moderate milquetoast who doesn’t lie and distort, is not allowed to call him on it. Perfect.
“So, basically, you’re laying down,” I said.
“No, I’m not laying down.”
“Yes, you are. You’re laying down!”
At that moment, a handsome young man who looked like a morning sports anchor came charging at me and got in my face. “Why are you bothering Alan?” he said menacingly. “What are you doing here?!”
There was only one thing to do. I moved in. An inch from his face. Narrowing my eyes, I asked, “Who are you?!”
He told me he was Brian Kilmeade (born Leslie Hochswenderson), the sports anchor on the FNC morning show, Fox and Friends. There we were, face to face, two fierce men: one about thirty and in very good shape; the other, fifty-one with chronic back pain. A classic standoff.
Time seemed to stand still.
Then some drunk from one of the Fox tables asked if he could get a picture. I said, “Sure,” spun Brian around, and put my arm around his shoulders. “Smile,” I told Brian, who seemed confused. Whoever has that picture, can I get it for the paperback?
I spent a few more minutes in the midst of the Fox people. Not arguing, really. It was more in the way of slightly hostile banter. Fun!
Back to my table. I sidled over to Rove. “I got a great idea for you,” I said. “It’ll really help the President. When they announce Ray Charles, have the President lead him out and play a trick on him. The President tells Ray he’s leading him to his piano, but he takes him to the podium. Everyone will love it.”
“No,” Rove said curtly.
“Hey, this is one you might want to give a couple minutes’ thought.”
“No.”
Back to my assigned seat for the entree, of which I have no memory. The Irish ambassador, Eoghan (?), told me something about something. After dinner, the President spoke. As you know, I don’t like the man, but his remarks about the courage of journalists in Iraq and specifically about the deaths of Michael Kelly and David Bloom struck just the right note. No jokes. Good call.
The President didn’t play a trick on Ray Charles. Unfortunately, the crowd did. The man may be a national treasure, but three thousand Beltway biggies were not very interested in listening to him sing. About five minutes into his set, folks were walking around, schmoozing, speaking loudly in order to be heard over the din. It must have been like playing the lounge at a Holiday Inn in Phoenix, but worse.
As a comedian, I make a point of being polite to other performers, and so I listened to and applauded each song, as people crisscrossed in front of me.
During the fourth or fifth number, I noticed Richard Perle, the former chair of the Defense Policy Board, talking to my friend Jonathan Alter of Newsweek at the next table. The New York Times had recently disclosed that Perle had been hired by Global Crossing to lobby the Pentagon, which the Defense Policy Board advises. Global Crossing wanted the Pentagon to allow a Hong Kong enterprise