Lies & the Lying Liars Who Tell Them_ A Fair & Balanced Look at the Right - Al Franken [98]
“Fucking pussy,” Thomas said as he walked away angrily.
“What was that about?” Gore said to O’Reilly. “He call you a pussy?”
“Nah,” O’Reilly said offhandedly. “He called me pushy. Tough. One thing you gotta know about Bill O’Reilly. He never walks away from a fight.” Then, seeing Gore starting to write, he added, “Capital O, capital R, E, I, L, L, Y. O’Reilly. You know, I’ve won two Congressional Medals of Honor.”
“As far as I know, no one has ever won two Medals of Honor. And, by the way, it is just Medal of Honor, not Congressional Medal of Honor. It’s a common mistake.”
“We’ll just have to agree to disagree,” O’Reilly said with a shrug. “I say it’s Congressional Medal of Honor. And I say I’ve won two of them. You know, it’s the most prestigious military decoration in the armed forces.”
“Chow time!” Bush called as he approached with a tray of beers and a box of pills. “Journalist guy, Irish here been telling you ’bout his Congressional Medal of Honor?”
“Medals. I’ve won two,” O’Reilly corrected, as he swallowed a handful of the shiny black tablets.
“What are those?” asked Gore. “Food pills? That’d be a good invention.”
“Wakey-wakeys. You know, pep pills, black beauties,” said an already hopped-up Bush.
“I’m not sure that’s wise.” Gore said, taking care not to sound too disapproving.
“These are government issue,” O’Reilly said, tossing one in the air and then catching it in his mouth like a piece of popcorn.
“Careful! You could choke,” Gore said, trying not to sound too schoolmarmish.
“Yeah? Choke on this, pal,” said O’Reilly, grabbing his crotch and kneading his balls.
Bush cracked up.
With the full moon glistening across the inky water, the Swift Boat idled slowly toward the rendezvous point. Kerry expertly nosed the bow through a dense tangle of vines and foliage, cutting the engine as he nestled the craft alongside the bank.
Without the regular throb of the engines, the jungle night came alive with sound. Hyped on their wakey-wakeys, the crew twitched nervously with every monkey shriek, every alligator splash, every lizard rustling through the undergrowth.
“Synchronize your watches. Cheney, what time you got?” Kerry asked in a whisper, knowing of the Wyoming native’s fondness for expensive timepieces.
Cheney was too weak to answer, but Bush leaned over and read the glowing watch face. “About nine-thirty, Big Guy,” Bush shouted.
“Sssshhhhhh. Quiet!” Kerry whispered urgently.
“Oh, right, right. Sorry.” Bush said in hushed tones.
“And about nine-thirty doesn’t help. Listen up. I’ve got twenty-one twenty-seven. That means we got two hours and three minutes till rendezvous. Remember, this is Charlie’s side of the canal. Keep your eyes peeled. Your mouths shut. And your weapons ready.”
Now, in the smothering heat and humidity of the tropical night, every man was alone with his thoughts.
Even though the temperature hovered in the nineties, Ashcroft shivered involuntarily. Before that night he had never taken anything stronger than the Vicks VapoRub his mother used to massage into his chest, invariably producing an erection. Like the VapoRub, the wakey-wakey had generated a deeply confusing blend of shame and excitement.
Thomas leaned over the gun tub toward O’Reilly, who was wedged behind the menacing barrels of twin .50-caliber machine guns. “You gotta help me, O’Reilly,” Thomas whispered. “I’m so scared. The only thing that calms me down is porn.”
“Does it have to be pictures? Or can I just tell you a dirty story?” O’Reilly murmured.
“Dirty story’ll do.”
“You want guy-girl, girl-girl, guy-girl-guy, or girl-guy-girl?”
Thomas thought for a moment. Just considering the options raised his spirits. “Hmm. How ’bout guy-girl?”
“Excellent choice,” O’Reilly said, under his breath. He was equally grateful to have something to take his mind off his own gut-wrenching terror. After thinking for a moment, he began. “Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. By removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch, she had signaled her desire. Now, she closed her eyes, concentrating