Life and Laughing_ My Story - Michael McIntyre [105]
‘I’ve never even heard of a horse photographer, what does she do?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know, Michael, she goes to horse races and stuff, she’s like the official photographer,’ Kitty speculated.
‘Horse races? I’m not sure about this, darling. Is she going to just take a whole stream of photos at the end of the aisle, like a photo finish? Is our wedding album only going to consist of one photo, you winning by a nose?’
I thought this was funny and could possibly be used as material, then I considered using it in my speech on the big day. I think I was more nervous about my speech than anything else. All my wife’s family knew I was a comedian but had never seen me perform, and I picked up an air of genuine concern over the financial security of their daughter. So there was a lot of pressure building on my wedding speech to be funny, especially when I found out her father had suggested the speeches be rescheduled for BEFORE the ceremony. I mean, it’s not often a groom has to give an example of his work on his wedding day. If you’re a builder getting married, you don’t eat lunch, cut the cake, have your first dance and then knock up a gazebo on the lawn.
When the day finally arrived in late September, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It was beautiful, what the English call an ‘Indian summer’, and what I presume the Indians call ‘summer’. A marquee was set up on the lawn should the weather not hold, and the congregation and I gathered in a small church conveniently and romantically located on the grounds of the house. Kitty’s father, Simon, surprised her with a cart pulled by two ponies that took them the short distance from the house to the church.
I waited at the end of the aisle for my bride as the organ began ‘Here Comes the Bride’; I turned and there she was, looking stunning. She had her hair up with hair extensions. I was unaware of the existence of hair extensions. She hadn’t told me she was going to do this. I didn’t know what had happened to her, I had heard of nerves making people’s hair fall out, but never double in size. She looked beautiful, my bride. She raced down the aisle at such a speed the organ had only reached ‘Here comes’ before she was by my side. The vicar went through all the traditional vows; at the bit when he says, ‘If there is any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or for ever hold your peace’, I couldn’t resist doing a little comedy look round to the congregation.
Mr and Mrs McIntyre on our big day at Combe Florey in Somerset.
We made our sacred vows to one another and had cued up the Beatles’ ‘All You Need is Love’ on a tape player at the back. We kissed as man and wife and after a bit of fumbling with the tape deck at the back of the church, the music played and we walked out of the church to cheers and applause. It was magical. We climbed into the waiting cart to be pulled by the two ponies up the drive to the house, while the guests walked up to the reception. Some of the locals came out of their houses to catch a glimpse of the bride. Surprisingly few photos had been taken at this point, but as soon as Kitty’s uncle’s girlfriend saw the ponies, she bolted to life and took a series of shots of them, in some of which Kitty and I can be spotted in the background.
This is one of dozens of photos we have of the horses at our wedding.
Our budget was so tight that something had to give. It was the main course of lunch. We had a starter of cold salmon and salad and we had the wedding cake for dessert. Nobody mentioned the missing middle course. After lunch it was time for the speeches. This was terrifying for me. There was a lot riding on this, almost as much as the Edinburgh Festival. The one piece of good news is that I was on last, straight after Simon. This was the first time I had headlined.
The pressure ultimately became too much for me, and I treated the speech too much like a gig and started laying into the front row. Within the first five minutes, I had character-assassinated my new brother-in-law, embarrassed the maid of honour and totally forgot