Life and Laughing_ My Story - Michael McIntyre [91]
‘It’s complicated,’ she said. I deserved that.
The following night it was time to officially ‘meet the parents’. An informal evening drink was planned for the four of us in the living room of their modest two-bedroom rented flat. Despite having known Kitty for two years, I had never met her parents. This was a big night for me, I knew her parents would be analysing me. It didn’t help that her mother, Alexandra, was an actual psychoanalyst. Her father is Simon Ward, the esteemed actor.
As soon as I met them, I was put at ease. I walked into their living room and Simon, who had been reading The Times, jumped up to greet me. He was exceptionally charming and welcoming. Alexandra looked lovely and had obviously made a real effort for the occasion. Her hair had that ‘just walked out of a salon’ look. She seemed nervous, more nervous than me. I was so flattered by this. I thought I was on trial at this meeting; it never crossed my mind that they might feel the same way.
After the introductions, Kitty and I sat down on a sofa flanked by her parents sitting on comfy chairs. I treated it a little bit like a job interview, trying to convince them with my answers that their daughter had chosen well. Rather than saying that I had dropped out of university, I simply said, ‘I read the sciences at Edinburgh.’ Rather than say I had never been paid as a comedian, I said, ‘I’m a stand-up comedian. I play the Comedy Store, are you familiar with it?’ Simon seemed to be warming to me, although he might just have been acting, and launched into several highly entertaining theatrical anecdotes.
Alexandra, however, treated the occasion as if I was interviewing Kitty. She spent the whole evening selling her daughter to me. Not only had I been pursuing Kitty for two years, but I thought it was obvious to anyone that she was well out of my league.
‘I love your home, Alexandra, have you lived here long?’
‘Kitty’s a wonderful swimmer,’ she announced, ‘she enjoys reading and travelling and speaks GCSE French.’
It was like she was reading from a CV. I didn’t know how to respond.
‘Great news,’ I said. ‘My mother lives in France. That will be useful, and she has a pool, too. There will be many opportunities to swim and speak French.’
Alexandra ploughed on. ‘Her cooking is improving all the time, and she has an excellent backhand. She wears a size four shoe, the perfect size, I’ve always thought.’
Meanwhile, Simon continued telling his stories. On several occasions Simon and Alexandra were speaking at the same time, over one another. They were eccentric to say the least. Simon would be mid-story about performing with Laurence Olivier, while Alexandra revealed how Kitty mastered the yo-yo at a surprisingly early age. They had been married for over thirty years, and it was apparent that Alexandra had heard all of Simon’s stories several times before. Every time he started a new one, she would mumble, ‘Oh no, not that one again.’ Towards the end of the evening, Simon told a story that he had told towards the beginning of the evening.
‘For God’s sake, Simon,’ Alexandra interrupted, ‘you’ve already told that story tonight. Now, Michael,’ she said, turning to me, ‘have I told you about Kitty’s needlework?’
I had a wonderful evening with them. They were personable, charming and entertaining, and I’ve loved them from that moment on.
The family introductions were off to an excellent start. With my mum now living in France, next up was my grandma. We arranged to go out for lunch, but Kitty had to cancel, as she was unwell. It was clear from my grandmother’s reaction to this cancellation that my suspicions about her not actually wanting me to have a girlfriend were valid.
‘Vot do you mean, she can’t make it?’ she said.
‘She’s not feeling well, we’ll have