Life and Laughing_ My Story - Michael McIntyre [99]
‘Darling, I’ve got something to say,’ I began, taking her hand.
‘What?’ she said softly. I was off the hook. She knew what was coming.
‘Well, we’ve been together for nearly two years and I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love you more every single –’
‘MR WILSON!’ shouted the maître d’. It was so loud the whole restaurant, including us, turned to see who had just walked in.
Walking into the restaurant was Richard Wilson, the star of One Foot in the Grave. Suddenly the whole restaurant was focused on Richard Wilson.
‘That’s what’s-his-name?’ said Kitty.
‘Richard Wilson. I’m trying to propose here,’ I said.
‘Sorry, Michael, carry on,’ Kitty said. I composed myself and continued.
‘Darling, what I was saying was that –’
‘I DON’T BELIEVE IT!’ shouted an Italian waiter, badly impersonating Richard Wilson’s catchphrase, much to the enjoyment of the other waiters, as Richard Wilson and his dinner guest were seated directly next to us.
‘MR WILSON, WHAT CAN I GET YOU?’ The celebrity diner seemed to be making the normally quite prickly Italian waiters very loud and animated. ‘LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE SPECIALS …’
I had no choice but to pronounce my everlasting love to Kitty and ask for her hand in marriage while an Italian waiter shouted about the specials to Richard Wilson from One Foot in the Grave at the next table.
‘I have always loved you, I can’t imagine the world without you in it … WE HAVE A RISOTTO MARINARA, MR WILSON, VERY NIIICE … from the moment I met you in the Steeles pub wearing my massive coat … WE HAVE A LOBSTER SPAGHETTI TONIGHT, CHEF’S SPECIALITY, MAGNIFICO … you became the only girl in the world to me, I loved you more than I knew it was possible to love someone … WE ALSO HAVE A VEAL ESCALOPE, MR WILSON, THIS IS MY FAVOURITE … I dreamt for so long that we could be together and how it would be if we were together and our love has exceeded … AND FINALLY WE HAVE A PENNE ARRABIATTA AL DENTE … anything I could have imagined. Kitty, I love, I will love you for ever …’
I took out the ring from my back pocket and opened the case.
‘Will you marry me?’ I said.
‘I’ll just have the lasagne,’ said Richard Wilson.
‘I DON’T BELIEVE IT,’ said the waiter.
‘Yes,’ said Kitty.
21
Kitty and I then entered a wonderful magical time of announcements and wedding planning. I was to marry the love of my life, and although I didn’t get a chance to express it to her fully in Villa Bianca, the point I wanted to make was that I didn’t really know her when I was infatuated by her, but she had surprised me with just how perfect she was, and just how perfect we were together.
Everybody was thrilled for us. Kitty was glowing with happiness, I had never seen her like that, she couldn’t stop smiling. The only person who I wished could share in our joy was my grandmother. But it had now been years since we last spoke; she had no interest in me whatsoever. Our relationship was over. I had come to terms with it, but deep down I clung on to the hope that we would see each other again, that she would be at my wedding. It was so brutal for her to love me so wholly and unconditionally and then turn her back on me so completely, so quickly. But it wasn’t to be; she died in her sleep a few months after I became engaged. All the memories of our happy times came flooding back and I was devastated, but soon I remembered everything else, all the pain she had caused. The truth was she had gone years before; this just eliminated any chance of reconciliation, but there was probably none anyway.
My engagement routine kept getting laughs at Jongleurs. Kitty not only found it funny, but loved that I was immediately telling an audience containing single girls that I was engaged to someone else. It always made me laugh that she could be jealous, that she could think I might cheat on her. I could never have an affair. Look at my track record with women – it would take me two years of stalking, harassing and hiding in bushes to get another girl to sleep with me.
However,