Linchpin_ Are You Indispensable_ - Seth Godin [61]
more until you're literally in pain.
A police car appears in your rearview mirror. Perhaps you were going five miles an hour
too fast. For many people, getting pulled over is a hassle, but no big deal. For someone
with anxiety about this particular interaction, the mind races. The cop will harass you,
you will fight back, it will escalate, you'll be arrested, they'll frame you for something
else, and you'll end up in jail for the rest of your life! No wonder you're stressed when
you finally pull over. You've been so busy eating prison food that there's not even time to
breathe.
Your boss criticizes you at work. Not a big issue, just a gentle criticism. But your shenpa
is a reflex that forces you to answer every criticism with a defense and a criticism in
return. Unfortunately for you, your boss feels the same way. He's annoyed that you
couldn't accept his feedback, and now the two of you are caught in a nasty cycle, one that
won't end well.
You're on a sales call and it seems to be going well. This is your particular trigger. It
might lead to a sale and that would expose you to all sorts of danger, says the lizard. So
you say something stupid as a defense mechanism, which leads to a stumble in the
rhythm of the meeting. You say something else stupid and suddenly, as you expected, it
all begins to unravel. This is your shenpa, the one you invented for yourself.
The lizard brain is responsible for shenpa. It's the interaction between our normal rational
world and the intense fears that the lizard lives with every day. Fortunately, we don't have
our shenpa with everything. There are only a few things that can get any of us spinning
out of control.
The best time to stop the spiral is the very first moment. Taking action at the start, calling
it out, recognizing the cycle--this is your first and best chance. Embrace the itch from the
start, but don't scratch it. To do otherwise is to lose all perspective. You can't make a
useful map when you're busy exaggerating the downside of every option. This is prajna.
If you can't teach the world a lesson, accept it, don't get attached to a different outcome.
"Sorry, Officer," you say, forcing yourself to sit quietly. And then he drives away.
Why didn't you end up in jail? Because you didn't scratch the itch. Because you didn't
project fear and anxiety and anger, the cop didn't react with the same. You sat with the
anxiety; you didn't run from it or bargain with it. You stayed.
"Thanks for the feedback, boss," you say. Then you repeat the feedback in your own
words, to confirm to him that you heard him, and you walk away. It only took you three
seconds, and you avoided an hour of pain.
Why didn't the entire day get ruined? Because you didn't scratch the itch. You were
aware enough of the boss's posture and his shenpa that you didn't continue the cycle.
Shenpaand Social Connection
For many people, shenpa and anxiety are related to community. Whether it's throwing a
party, joining a club, attending a meeting, or giving a speech, it tends to involve
interactions with other people.
The killer: our anxiety not only makes us miserable, but ruins the interaction. People
smell it on you. They react to it. They're less likely to hire you or buy from you or have
fun at your party. The very thing you are afraid of occurs, precisely because you are
afraid of it, which of course makes the shenpa cycle even worse.
Shenpa is caused by a conflict between the lizard brain (which wants to strike out or to
flee) and the rest of our brain, which desires achievement, connection, and grace.
Oscillating between the two merely makes things worse. It seems that you have two
choices for ending the cycle: you can flee or you can stay.
There's nothing inherently wrong with fleeing. If you can't handle a certain kind of
interaction or event, don't do it. Avoid it. Some people weren't born to be baseball
umpires.
The other alternative is to stay. If you believe that it's important enough, then your
challenge is to overrule the