Lincoln's Yarns and Stories [159]
that the President would see the man. In a moment the order came; and past impatient senators, governors and generals, the old man went.
He showed his papers to Mr. Lincoln, who said he would look into the case and give him the result next day.
The old man, in an agony of apprehension, looked up into the President's sympathetic face and actually cried out:
"To-morrow may be too late! My son is under sentence of death! It ought to be decided now!"
His streaming tears told how much he was moved.
"Come," said Mr. Lincoln, "wait a bit and I'll tell you a story;" and then he told the old man General Fisk's story about the swearing driver, as follows:
"The general had begun his military life as a colonel, and when he raised his regiment in Missouri he proposed to his men that he should do all the swearing of the regiment. They assented; and for months no instance was known of the violation of the promise.
"The colonel had a teamster named John Todd, who, as roads were not always the best, had some difficulty in commanding his temper and his tongue.
"John happened to be driving a mule team through a series of mudholes a little worse than usual, when, unable to restrain himself any longer, he burst forth into a volley of energetic oaths.
"The colonel took notice of the offense and brought John to account.
"'John,' said he, 'didn't you promise to let me do all the swearing of the regiment?'
"'Yes, I did, colonel,' he replied, 'but the fact was, the swearing had to be done then or not at all, and you weren't there to do it.'"
As he told the story the old man forgot his boy, and both the President and his listener had a hearty laugh together at its conclusion.
Then he wrote a few words which the old man read, and in which he found new occasion for tears; but the tears were tears of joy, for the words saved the life of his son.
LINCOLN PRONOUNCED THIS STORY FUNNY.
The President was heard to declare one day that the story given below was one of the funniest he ever heard.
One of General Fremont's batteries of eight Parrott guns, supported by a squadron of horse commanded by Major Richards, was in sharp conflict with a battery of the enemy near at hand. Shells and shot were flying thick and fast, when the commander of the battery, a German, one of Fremont's staff, rode suddenly up to the cavalry, exclaiming, in loud and excited terms, "Pring up de shackasses! Pring up de shackasses! For Cot's sake, hurry up de shackasses, im-me-di-ate-ly!"
The necessity of this order, though not quite apparent, will be more obvious when it is remembered that "shackasses" are mules, carry mountain howitzers, which are fired from the backs of that much-abused but valuable animal; and the immediate occasion for the "shackasses" was that two regiments of rebel infantry were at that moment discovered ascending a hill immediately behind our batteries.
The "shackasses," with the howitzers loaded with grape and canister, were soon on the ground.
The mules squared themselves, as they well knew how, for the shock.
A terrific volley was poured into the advancing column, which immediately broke and retreated.
Two hundred and seventy-eight dead bodies were found in the ravine next day, piled closely together as they fell, the effects of that volley from the backs of the "shackasses."
JOKE WAS ON LINCOLN.
Mr. Lincoln enjoyed a joke at his own expense. Said he: "In the days when I used to be in the circuit, I was accosted in the cars by a stranger, who said, 'Excuse me, sir, but I have an article in my possession which belongs to you.' 'How is that?' I asked, considerably astonished.
"The stranger took a jackknife from his pocket. 'This knife,' said he, 'was placed in my hands some years ago, with the injunction that I was to keep it until I had found a man uglier than myself. I have carried it from that time to this. Allow me to say, sir, that I think you are fairly entitled to the property.'"
THE OTHER ONE WAS WORSE.
It so happened that an official of the War Department had escaped
He showed his papers to Mr. Lincoln, who said he would look into the case and give him the result next day.
The old man, in an agony of apprehension, looked up into the President's sympathetic face and actually cried out:
"To-morrow may be too late! My son is under sentence of death! It ought to be decided now!"
His streaming tears told how much he was moved.
"Come," said Mr. Lincoln, "wait a bit and I'll tell you a story;" and then he told the old man General Fisk's story about the swearing driver, as follows:
"The general had begun his military life as a colonel, and when he raised his regiment in Missouri he proposed to his men that he should do all the swearing of the regiment. They assented; and for months no instance was known of the violation of the promise.
"The colonel had a teamster named John Todd, who, as roads were not always the best, had some difficulty in commanding his temper and his tongue.
"John happened to be driving a mule team through a series of mudholes a little worse than usual, when, unable to restrain himself any longer, he burst forth into a volley of energetic oaths.
"The colonel took notice of the offense and brought John to account.
"'John,' said he, 'didn't you promise to let me do all the swearing of the regiment?'
"'Yes, I did, colonel,' he replied, 'but the fact was, the swearing had to be done then or not at all, and you weren't there to do it.'"
As he told the story the old man forgot his boy, and both the President and his listener had a hearty laugh together at its conclusion.
Then he wrote a few words which the old man read, and in which he found new occasion for tears; but the tears were tears of joy, for the words saved the life of his son.
LINCOLN PRONOUNCED THIS STORY FUNNY.
The President was heard to declare one day that the story given below was one of the funniest he ever heard.
One of General Fremont's batteries of eight Parrott guns, supported by a squadron of horse commanded by Major Richards, was in sharp conflict with a battery of the enemy near at hand. Shells and shot were flying thick and fast, when the commander of the battery, a German, one of Fremont's staff, rode suddenly up to the cavalry, exclaiming, in loud and excited terms, "Pring up de shackasses! Pring up de shackasses! For Cot's sake, hurry up de shackasses, im-me-di-ate-ly!"
The necessity of this order, though not quite apparent, will be more obvious when it is remembered that "shackasses" are mules, carry mountain howitzers, which are fired from the backs of that much-abused but valuable animal; and the immediate occasion for the "shackasses" was that two regiments of rebel infantry were at that moment discovered ascending a hill immediately behind our batteries.
The "shackasses," with the howitzers loaded with grape and canister, were soon on the ground.
The mules squared themselves, as they well knew how, for the shock.
A terrific volley was poured into the advancing column, which immediately broke and retreated.
Two hundred and seventy-eight dead bodies were found in the ravine next day, piled closely together as they fell, the effects of that volley from the backs of the "shackasses."
JOKE WAS ON LINCOLN.
Mr. Lincoln enjoyed a joke at his own expense. Said he: "In the days when I used to be in the circuit, I was accosted in the cars by a stranger, who said, 'Excuse me, sir, but I have an article in my possession which belongs to you.' 'How is that?' I asked, considerably astonished.
"The stranger took a jackknife from his pocket. 'This knife,' said he, 'was placed in my hands some years ago, with the injunction that I was to keep it until I had found a man uglier than myself. I have carried it from that time to this. Allow me to say, sir, that I think you are fairly entitled to the property.'"
THE OTHER ONE WAS WORSE.
It so happened that an official of the War Department had escaped