Lion's Bride - Iris Johansen [131]
“I assure you, it was far worse for Kemal’s men.”
“I don’t care about them.” She took his hands in her own. How strange that they were warm when he seemed so remote and cold. “I don’t like to see you like this. Do you hear me?”
“I could hardly help it.” He paused. “Aren’t you afraid to touch my hands? There’s blood on them, you know. Only figuratively speaking. I was careful to wash when I reached the courtyard.”
He was trying to jar her, push her away, so that he could retain that hard, hollow core. Her hands tightened on his. “Stop trying to make me afraid of you. I’m not going to let you go.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re—” She stopped. There might be only one way to reach him, but it was the most difficult for her. She said haltingly, “I need you the way you were.”
“Need?” He arched a brow. “You?”
“Stop mocking me. Thea’s going away from me. I need someone to be there.”
“So you choose my unworthy self.”
“I won’t be alone. It…hurts.”
“Does it?” He gazed up at her face. “Poor Selene. It must hurt very much to bring you to me.”
“You’re the only one I can go to. You know me. You’ve always known me.” She paused. “And I know you.”
He shook his head.
“I do. I’ve always known what you are. I don’t care.”
He studied her for a long time before saying slowly, “I believe you. Extraordinary.”
“So you must come back to me. I won’t be alone again.” Her eyes met his, demanding, fierce, compelling, before she threw herself down beside him and buried her face in the hollow of his shoulder. “I won’t have you leave me and become like that man.”
He stiffened in surprise. “Get up and go to your bed, child.”
“So that you won’t rape me as the Old Man would?”
“Don’t be stupid. I would never—” He broke off and chuckled. “Very clever. Strike where you know there is no armor.”
She didn’t feel clever, she felt desperate and afraid, but the darkness around him was lessening a little. “It’s hard for me to lie here. I don’t like to touch people.”
“It makes you uneasy to lower your guard.”
Were the muscles of his body loosening? He seemed less stiff and resisting. “See, I told you that you knew me. You don’t touch people either.” She amended, “Except when you rut with the women at Dundragon, and that doesn’t count.”
“You knew about that?”
She ignored the question. “All men rut, but lust is different from affection. Affection makes one hurt when people go away. My mother went away, and now Thea is going too.”
“Thea would never leave you.”
“But she’ll never belong to me in the same way again. You’ll probably go away too, but I won’t have you go like this. There’s no reason why you can’t stay with me now.” She paused. “Is there?”
She held her breath, waiting.
He did not reply.
She tried to keep the panic from her voice. “Answer me.”
His hand hovered over her hair like the delicate brush of the wings of a butterfly, scarcely a touch at all.
“You’re not going to give up, are you?”
“No.”
“You’d really be much better off without me, you know.”
She was almost limp with relief. He was hers.
He sat up and gathered her in his arms. “And I’d be much better off with a few hours’ rest.” He stood up and carried her to the bed. He covered her with the blanket with great care and stood looking down at her. “Will you go to sleep now?”
“Of course. Do you think I’d lie awake and dwell on this nonsense if there was no need?”
He chuckled. “Not you, Selene.” His smile faded. “What would you have done if I hadn’t decided—”
“Anything,” she answered simply. “My first thought was to hit you on the head, sling you over your horse, and ride out of here.”
He said solemnly, “How fortunate for me that you didn’t have to resort to such measures.”
“I thought so too.” She closed her eyes. “And I don’t want to worry anymore about your going to Kemal’s camp. Think of something else.”
“Yes, my lady.”
She yawned. “And we must find a way to retrieve those boxes of embroidery from the grove.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes.” She said haltingly, “It seems fitting that you hold my hand until I go to sleep…if you don’t mind. Only