Little Bee - Chris Cleave [61]
I stopped talking then, and I looked down at the tablecloth. Sarah came around to my side of the table and she sat on the chair beside me and she hugged me for a long time. Then we sat there holding our cold cups of tea. I rested my head on Sarah’s shoulder. Outside, the day grew a little brighter. We did not say anything. After a short time I heard footsteps on the stairs, and then Charlie came into the kitchen. Sarah wiped her eyes and took a deep breath and quickly sat up straight. Charlie was wearing his Batman costume, but without the mask and without the belt that he kept his Batman tools in. It did not look as if he was expecting trouble, that morning. When he saw me he blinked. He was surprised that I was still there, I think. He rubbed his eyes sleepily and pressed the top of his head against his mother’s side.
“Itch till sleep eat I’m,” he said.
“Excuse me Batman?” said Sarah.
“I said, it’s still sleepy time. Why is you awake?”
“Well, Mummy and Little Bee woke up early this morning.”
“Mmm?”
“We had a lot to catch up on.”
“Mmm?”
“Oh god, Batman, is it that you don’t understand, or you don’t agree?”
“Mmm?”
“Oh, I see, darling, you are like a little bat with its sonar. You’ll keep sending out those Mmms until one of them bounces off something solid, won’t you?”
“Mmm?”
Charlie stared at his mother. She looked back at him for a while, and then she turned and smiled at me. Her tears were starting to flow again.
“Charlie has extraordinary eyes, doesn’t he? They’re like ecosystems in aspic.”
“No they isn’t,” said Charlie.
Sarah laughed. “Well darling, what I mean is, anyone can see there’s a lot going on in there.”
She tapped the side of Charlie’s head.
“Hmm,” said Charlie. “Why is you crying, Mummy?”
Sarah gave one big sob and then waved it away. “It’s why are you, Charlie, not why is you,” she said.
“Why are you crying, Mummy?”
Sarah collapsed. It was as if all the strength went out of her bones. She sank down so that her head rested on her arms on the tabletop and she wept.
“Oh, Charlie,” she said. “Mummy is crying because Mummy drank four G and Ts last night. Mummy is crying because of something Mummy has been trying not to think about. I’m so sorry, Charlie. Mummy is too grown up to feel very much anymore, and so when she does, it catches her by surprise.”
“Mmm?” said Charlie.
“Oh Charlie!” said Sarah.
She opened her arms and Charlie climbed up onto her lap and they hugged. It was not right for me to be there with them, so I went out into the garden and I sat down beside the fishpond. I thought about my sister for a long time.
Later, when the sun was higher in the sky and the noise of the traffic on the roads had grown into a constant rumble, Sarah came out into the garden to find me.
“Sorry,” she said. “I had to take Charlie to nursery.”
“It’s okay.”
She sat down next to me and she put her hand on my shoulder. “How are you feeling?”
I shrugged. “Okay,” I said.
Sarah smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I don’t know what to say,” she said.
“I do not know either.”
We sat there and we watched a cat rolling on the grass on the other side of the garden, in a bright patch of sunshine.
“That cat looks happy,” I said.
“Mmm,” said Sarah. “It’s the neighbor’s.”
I nodded. Sarah took a deep breath.
“Look, do you want to stay here for a while?” she said.
“Here? With you?”
“Yes. With me and Charlie.”
I rubbed my eyes. “I do not know. I am illegal, Sarah. The men can come any minute to send me back to my country.”
“Why did they let you out of the detention center, if you’re not allowed to stay?”
“They made a mistake. If