Little Bee - Chris Cleave [91]
“But seriously, Sarah?”
“Mmm?”
“Please just give yourself a day to think about it, will you? The refugee piece, I mean. You’re in a state at the moment, with everything that’s happened. Why don’t you take tomorrow off, just to make sure you’re sure, and if you are sure then of course I’ll make it happen for you. But if you’re not sure, then let’s not throw away our careers over it right now, okay darling?”
I opened my eyes. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll take a day.”
Clarissa sagged with relief. “Thank you, doll. Because it’s not so bad, what we do. Really. No one dies when we write about fashion.”
I looked out over the editorial floor and saw the girls watching me back: speculative, excited, predatory.
I took another half-empty train back to Kingston and arrived home at two in the afternoon. It was hot and hazy, with a stillness and a heaviness to the day. We needed some rain to break it.
Lawrence was in the kitchen when I got back home. I put the kettle on.
“Where’s Bee?”
“She’s in the garden.”
I looked out and saw her, lying on the grass, at the far end of the garden beside the laurel bush.
“She seem okay to you?”
He just shrugged.
“What is it? You two really haven’t hit it off, have you?”
“It’s not that,” said Lawrence.
“There’s a tension though, isn’t there? I can feel it.”
I realized I had stirred one of the tea bags until it burst. I drained the mug into the sink and started again.
Lawrence stood behind me and put his arms around my waist.
“It’s you who seems tense,” he said. “Is it work?”
I leaned my head backward onto his shoulder and sighed.
“Work was hideous,” I said. “I lasted forty minutes. I’m wondering if I should quit.”
He sighed into the back of my neck.
“I knew it,” he said. “I knew something like this was coming.”
I looked out at Little Bee, lying on her back, watching the hazy sky filling in with gray.
“Do you remember what it felt like to be her age? Or Charlie’s age? Do you remember back when you felt you could actually do something to make the world better?”
“You’re talking to the wrong man. I work for central government, remember? Actually doing something is the mistake we’re trained to avoid.”
“Stop it, Lawrence, I’m being serious.”
“Did I ever think I could change the world? Is that your question?”
“Yes.”
“A bit, maybe. When I first joined the civil service, I suppose I was quite idealistic.”
“When did it change?”
“When I realized we weren’t going to change the world.Certainly not if that involved implementing any computer systems. Round about lunchtime on the first day.”
I smiled and put my mouth close to Lawrence’s ear.
“Well you’ve changed my world,” I said.
Lawrence swallowed. “Yes,” he said. “Yes I suppose I have.”
Behind us the icemaker dropped another cube. We stood for a while and looked out at Little Bee.
“Look at her,” I said. “I’m so scared. Do you really think I can save her?”
Lawrence shrugged. “Maybe you can. And don’t take this the wrong way, but so what? Save her and there’s a whole world of them behind her. A whole swarm of Little Bees, coming here to feed.”
“Or to pollinate,” I said.
“I think that’s naive,” said Lawrence.
“I think my features editor would agree with you.”
Lawrence massaged my shoulders and I closed my eyes.
“What’s eating you?” said Lawrence.
“I can’t seem to use the magazine to make a difference,” I said. “But that’s how it was conceived. It was meant to have an edge. It was never meant to be just another fashion rag.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
“Every time we put in something deep and meaningful, the circulation drops.”
“So people’s lives are hard enough. You can see how they might not want to be reminded that everyone else’s lives are shit too.”
“I suppose so. Maybe Andrew was right after all. Maybe I need to grow up and get a grown-up’s job.”
Lawrence held me close.
“Or maybe you should relax for a little while and just enjoy what you’ve got.”
I looked out at the garden. The sky was darker now. It seemed the rain couldn’t be far off.
“Little Bee has changed me, Lawrence. I can’t look at