Live From New York - James H. Miller [167]
So I hung up the phone. I told my husband, “I’m going to New York tomorrow to audition for SNL and they said bring your characters.” And I looked at him like bewildered, you know. I knew about SNL and Belushi just ’cause you know it as part of culture, but when I grew up we didn’t have a TV, and then I was in college and I didn’t have one, and then I was trying to get on TV so I was always busy. So then I flew to New York. I brought my ukulele and my handstand; the handstand traveled with me. And I got on the plane and I thought, “Now if they lose my ukulele, I have no audition,” because, you know, I don’t have characters. And they lost my ukulele.
So then I got picked up and they took me to a hotel where the other girls who were against me were staying. There were about ten other girls from Canada and Chicago. The next day they marched us all down the street in a row, like ducks, past that big guy Atlas holding the world. I wore my French maid costume from when I was a cigarette girl, because that’s when I started doing the stand-up thing. I was really nervous.
We were all in the hallway waiting and then everyone was whispering that one of the girls had done a strip routine for her audition. And that’s a really dumb idea, I think, because you can’t really be naked on NBC, you know? Even if you look good naked, it’s not going to help a comedy program. So then I did my little stand-up comedy act. I guess I had about ten minutes. I sang my songs and did my handstand poetry, and Lorne was watching with about three Lornettes. You know, they’re called the Lornettes, the girls who work for Lorne and make sure he has plenty of popcorn. The bravest cast members would eat some of Lorne’s popcorn but I was scared to. But one time I did and like one kernel fell on the floor and one of the Lornettes gave me a dirty look. They’re not supposed to let any of them fall on the floor, you see.
So I did my audition and then they said, “Oh, spend the night. Lorne wants to see you tomorrow, but he doesn’t come in until four P.M. because he wakes up late and starts the workday at three P.M.”
Then he met with me and he said, “Well, you — um — I loved your audition. It was really funny, but I don’t know if you’re really strong in character.” And I said, “Oh — well, I could talk like this and be British.” And he goes, “Uh-huh, yeah.” I go, “I could talk like this and that’s a character.” And he goes, “Uh, yeah.” And he goes, “Well, like if I wanted you to be Annie Hall, you know?” And I said, “Well, then I would just wear men’s clothing and kind of look at the ground a lot.” And he goes, “Well, what if I wanted you to be — a housewife in the Midwest?” And I said, “Well, I am a housewife.” So then I went home and I thought, “Oh man, I was so close, but he’s not going to pick me.”
So I was supposed to be on Carson again in two weeks, and I thought, “Hey, what if I continue my audition on national TV? That would really impress Lorne.” So I asked The Tonight Show and they said, “Sure, but just don’t say the name of the show.” So I got all these tapes of people and tried to imitate them — like Tina Turner and Teri Garr and stuff. But it wasn’t my strong point, you know. So I thought, well, if I just try to do the impression and people know who I’m doing and they laugh — well, all your goal is, is to make laughter, so it doesn’t matter how you get there. So I sat next to Johnny Carson and I told him I was auditioning for a show and I had to do characters and I said, “Let me do them for you, and if you can guess who I’m doing, then I’m doing it good, right?” He goes, okay. So I went, “Oh, oh, Archie! I’m sor-ree!” And he goes, “Edith Bunker.” And I go, yeah. And the audience claps. And I go, “I don’t know why I’m here. Just go to a commercial. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know why I’m here.” And Johnny says, “Teri Garr!” And I go, yeah. And then I went, “What’s love got to do, got to do with it.” And I danced, you know. And he goes, “Tina Turner.” And I go, yeah. And so then I was smoking