Lost Era 05_ Deny thy Father - Jeff Mariotte [110]
But today he couldn’t even focus on what she was saying. He kept running through his conversation with Dennis in his head, and the argument with Felicia that it had precipitated. She hadn’t come right out and called him a jerk, but her tone of voice and the way she’d carried herself had done that job for her. He couldn’t think of anything he might have done differently, that was the problem. He couldn’t accede to Dennis’s demands; they were unreasonable. They would put his own standing in jeopardy, maybe even threaten his whole career. It just didn’t make sense to take a chance like that for anybody.
And then Felicia’s response had seemed out of proportion as well. It wasn’t as if his relationship with Dennis would necessarily affect her. She knew Dennis too, they were friendly. But if Will’s friendship with Dennis had come to an abrupt end, why did that have to change her own association with Dennis? It didn’t-she was just blowing things up for no reason. Maybe she was upset not because her connection with Dennis was impaired but because her own impression of Will had been challenged. Not that her impression had always been a favorable one.
He shook his head and tried to concentrate on what Professor Knudsen was talking about.
He was aware of his lack of focus, and hoped that this particular lecture would be one he could afford to miss most of. But that pointed to a larger problem: Even without agreeing to Dennis’s ridiculous demands, his own academic work was being affected. Dennis, and now Felicia, were threatening his career simply by being part of his life and having expectations that he couldn’t necessarily live up to. If this sort of thing-disagreements with friends and lovers-could draw his mind away from one of his favorite lecturers, then it was dangerous. He couldn’t afford to let his concentration lapse. His priority had to be getting the highest grades he possibly could and doing his best work in these remaining few weeks. As hard as it was now, when finals hit it would be harder still. He needed to be mentally and psychologically available for himself at that point, ready to take on whatever academic challenges were thrown at him.
His decision made, he tried to tune in Professor Knudsen.
He found Felicia after his last class of the day, in her room. Estresor Fil was in there with her, studying, but when she saw the look on Will’s face-Will wondered just how bad he must look-she quickly gathered her things and excused herself. Felicia regarded Will with a blank expression. Pointedly, she did not get up to hug or kiss him. Will sat down in the chair that Estresor Fil had just vacated.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Will began.
“I’m glad to hear that.” Felicia’s voice was as flat as her face, as if she had pushed all emotion to the side.
“Yeah, well, it’s not always easy for me,” he said. She didn’t smile at the joke, and he decided not to try that again. “But what I keep coming up against, Felicia, is this. The school year is almost over. I had a rough first year, and some snags in my second too. If I want to get the best possible posting after the Academy, I have to really shine this year. That’s why I couldn’t devote the time to helping Dennis-because I need to devote it to helping myself. I have to push myself as hard as I possibly can.”
“Career isn’t everything, Will,” she said. “Friendships are every bit as important.”
“Friendships may be important,” he admitted. “But not ‘every bit as.’ Nothing is, not to me. The way I see it, there’s no reason to go into Starfleet unless I’m willing to give it my all. It needs a hundred percent of me.”
“That seems pretty narrow-minded,” Felicia responded. “What’s wrong with giving it seventy? Eighty? You need some of you left over