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By Root 1359 0

material—everyone said there was nothing new, that he needed something new…. He was to perform on the HBO taping of Catch a Rising Star’s tenth anniversary, which would take place at the Upper East Side club where he had first hauled forth his props and made everyone think he wasn’t who he was and vice versa. So he decided to kill it off, to put the material out of its misery, to expose it as the charade and the lodestone that it had become…. For the sake of nostalgia, he would do what he had done at the outset, what had induced them all into falling down and falling over and falling to the floor and, most of all, falling for him. He could fool no one anymore, they said, because everyone was “on to” him, they said, and people were even making light of the neck brace of which he was so proud which seemed very rude…. Besides him, there would be other Catch alums performing—Richard Belzer, David Brenner, Gabe Kaplan, Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Joe Piscopo, Pat Benatar. He planted Zmuda up front and had Rick Newman make sure that a microphone was hidden somewhere on Zmuda’s body so that Zmuda could be clearly overheard as the material was drained of its blood and left for dead…. “Anyway,” he said, “tonight what I’d like to do is the exact same routine which I did ten years ago. It’s called Foreign Man Turning into Elvis Presley.” At which point there was warm applause. At which point Zmuda could be heard throughout the club and, later, on television saying, “Tenk you veddy much.” And Foreign Man blinked into character and said, “Tenk you veddy much.” Zmuda turned to a woman nearby and said, “See, see! Tenk you veddy much!” “I am veddy happy to be here but one theeng I don’t like about New York—” “Ees de traffic …” “Ees too much traffic you know tonight eet was so much traffic—” “Eet took me an hour…”“—eet took me an hour and a half to get here!” “See! See!” “Talking about de terrible theengs—” “Take my wife …” “—take my wife, please take her!” “Her cooking ees so bad eets …”

And this was not mere heckling; it was worse and also better; it was the act anticipated, performed in parsed phrases, slightly ahead of itself. It was Foreign Man unmasked and torched and vanquished forever. And the audience laughed with majestic unease as the humiliations echoed on—through “eemetations/ eemetations” and “de Archie Bunker/de Archie Bunker” and “dingbat get eento de kitchen and make me de food/ dingbat get eento de kitchen and make me de food.” And Andy was wet; his face was soaked with flop summoned from trained synapses and abetted by blistering lights and he had to say something to stop this man down in front of the stage from ruining everything and he had to say something to push this man down in front of the stage into now decimating everything that he was and had ever been and so he said, “Is there a problem?”

ZMUDA: No, there’s no problem. The only problem is that I’m doing your act for you…. If you did some new material, then I wouldn’t know what you’re gonna do next.

ANDY: Well, uh, I was asked to do this material tonight, okay? This is what the club asked me to do, and I’m doing it.

ZMUDA: Sure, they asked you to do it because your new stuff’s a bunch of crap…. Can I say something? I was always a big fan of yours, like, I’m talkin’ seven, eight years ago. And I just feel that you have been repeating yourself continually…. I don’t consider wrestling women to be funny, to be creative, to be any of those things.

ANDY: I do a lot of original stuff on Late Night …

ZMUDA: Okay, so what? What’s original?

ANDY: Well, did you see me on Fridays? Caused a lot of talk.

ZMUDA: Yeah, I saw you on Fridays. A put-on. Pushing people around and actors … That’s not original, that’s not comedy. That’s put-on! Anybody could do that. You understand?

ANDY: You’re right, it was a put-on.

ZMUDA: I’m telling you, I’m just being honest…. I’m not trying to be obnoxious. I’m just saying that you were a very original guy.

ANDY: I was. I was a very original guy. I was considered a very original comic.

ZMUDA: That’s right. And was is the key word.