Love for Love [29]
it's a question that would puzzle an arithmetician, if you should ask him, whether the Bible saves more souls in Westminster Abbey, or damns more in Westminster Hall. For my part, I am Truth, and can't tell; I have very few acquaintance.
SIR SAMP. Body o' me, he talks sensibly in his madness. Has he no intervals?
JERE. Very short, sir.
BUCK. Sir, I can do you no service while he's in this condition. Here's your paper, sir--he may do me a mischief if I stay. The conveyance is ready, sir, if he recover his senses.
SCENE VII.
SIR SAMPSON, VALENTINE, SCANDAL, JEREMY.
SIR SAMP. Hold, hold, don't you go yet.
SCAN. You'd better let him go, sir, and send for him if there be occasion; for I fancy his presence provokes him more.
VAL. Is the lawyer gone? 'Tis well, then we may drink about without going together by the ears--heigh ho! What a'clock is't? My father here! Your blessing, sir.
SIR SAMP. He recovers--bless thee, Val; how dost thou do, boy?
VAL. Thank you, sir, pretty well. I have been a little out of order, Won't you please to sit, sir?
SIR SAMP. Ay, boy. Come, thou shalt sit down by me.
VAL. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait.
SIR SAMP. No, no; come, come, sit thee down, honest Val. How dost thou do? Let me feel thy pulse. Oh, pretty well now, Val. Body o' me, I was sorry to see thee indisposed; but I'm glad thou art better, honest Val.
VAL. I thank you, sir.
SCAN. Miracle! The monster grows loving. [Aside.]
SIR SAMP. Let me feel thy hand again, Val. It does not shake; I believe thou canst write, Val. Ha, boy? thou canst write thy name, Val. Jeremy, step and overtake Mr Buckram, bid him make haste back with the conveyance; quick, quick. [In whisper to JEREMY.]
SCENE VIII.
SIR SAMPSON, VALENTINE, SCANDAL.
SCAN. That ever I should suspect such a heathen of any remorse! [Aside.]
SIR SAMP. Dost thou know this paper, Val? I know thou'rt honest, and wilt perform articles. [Shows him the paper, but holds it out of his reach.]
VAL. Pray let me see it, sir. You hold it so far off that I can't tell whether I know it or no.
SIR SAMP. See it, boy? Ay, ay; why, thou dost see it--'tis thy own hand, Vally. Why, let me see, I can read it as plain as can be. Look you here. [Reads.] THE CONDITION OF THIS OBLIGATION--Look you, as plain as can be, so it begins--and then at the bottom--AS WITNESS MY HAND, VALENTINE LEGEND, in great letters. Why, 'tis as plain as the nose in one's face. What, are my eyes better than thine? I believe I can read it farther off yet; let me see. [Stretches his arm as far as he can.]
VAL. Will you please to let me hold it, sir?
SIR SAMP. Let thee hold it, sayest thou? Ay, with all my heart. What matter is it who holds it? What need anybody hold it? I'll put it up in my pocket, Val, and then nobody need hold it. [Puts the paper in his pocket.] There, Val; it's safe enough, boy. But thou shalt have it as soon as thou hast set thy hand to another paper, little Val.
SCENE IX.
[To them] JEREMY with BUCKRAM.
VAL. What, is my bad genius here again! Oh no, 'tis the lawyer with an itching palm; and he's come to be scratched. My nails are not long enough. Let me have a pair of red-hot tongs quickly, quickly, and you shall see me act St. Dunstan, and lead the devil by the nose.
BUCK. O Lord, let me begone: I'll not venture myself with a madman.
SCENE X.
SIR SAMPSON, VALENTINE, SCANDAL, JEREMY.
VAL. Ha, ha, ha; you need not run so fast, honesty will not overtake you. Ha, ha, ha, the rogue found me out to be in forma pauperis presently.
SIR SAMP. Oons! What a vexation is here! I know not what to do, or say, nor which way to go.
VAL. Who's that that's out of his way? I am Truth, and can set him right. Harkee, friend, the straight road is the worst way you can go. He that follows his nose always, will very often be led into a stink. Probatum est. But what are you for? religion or politics? There's a couple of topics for you, no more like one another than
SIR SAMP. Body o' me, he talks sensibly in his madness. Has he no intervals?
JERE. Very short, sir.
BUCK. Sir, I can do you no service while he's in this condition. Here's your paper, sir--he may do me a mischief if I stay. The conveyance is ready, sir, if he recover his senses.
SCENE VII.
SIR SAMPSON, VALENTINE, SCANDAL, JEREMY.
SIR SAMP. Hold, hold, don't you go yet.
SCAN. You'd better let him go, sir, and send for him if there be occasion; for I fancy his presence provokes him more.
VAL. Is the lawyer gone? 'Tis well, then we may drink about without going together by the ears--heigh ho! What a'clock is't? My father here! Your blessing, sir.
SIR SAMP. He recovers--bless thee, Val; how dost thou do, boy?
VAL. Thank you, sir, pretty well. I have been a little out of order, Won't you please to sit, sir?
SIR SAMP. Ay, boy. Come, thou shalt sit down by me.
VAL. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait.
SIR SAMP. No, no; come, come, sit thee down, honest Val. How dost thou do? Let me feel thy pulse. Oh, pretty well now, Val. Body o' me, I was sorry to see thee indisposed; but I'm glad thou art better, honest Val.
VAL. I thank you, sir.
SCAN. Miracle! The monster grows loving. [Aside.]
SIR SAMP. Let me feel thy hand again, Val. It does not shake; I believe thou canst write, Val. Ha, boy? thou canst write thy name, Val. Jeremy, step and overtake Mr Buckram, bid him make haste back with the conveyance; quick, quick. [In whisper to JEREMY.]
SCENE VIII.
SIR SAMPSON, VALENTINE, SCANDAL.
SCAN. That ever I should suspect such a heathen of any remorse! [Aside.]
SIR SAMP. Dost thou know this paper, Val? I know thou'rt honest, and wilt perform articles. [Shows him the paper, but holds it out of his reach.]
VAL. Pray let me see it, sir. You hold it so far off that I can't tell whether I know it or no.
SIR SAMP. See it, boy? Ay, ay; why, thou dost see it--'tis thy own hand, Vally. Why, let me see, I can read it as plain as can be. Look you here. [Reads.] THE CONDITION OF THIS OBLIGATION--Look you, as plain as can be, so it begins--and then at the bottom--AS WITNESS MY HAND, VALENTINE LEGEND, in great letters. Why, 'tis as plain as the nose in one's face. What, are my eyes better than thine? I believe I can read it farther off yet; let me see. [Stretches his arm as far as he can.]
VAL. Will you please to let me hold it, sir?
SIR SAMP. Let thee hold it, sayest thou? Ay, with all my heart. What matter is it who holds it? What need anybody hold it? I'll put it up in my pocket, Val, and then nobody need hold it. [Puts the paper in his pocket.] There, Val; it's safe enough, boy. But thou shalt have it as soon as thou hast set thy hand to another paper, little Val.
SCENE IX.
[To them] JEREMY with BUCKRAM.
VAL. What, is my bad genius here again! Oh no, 'tis the lawyer with an itching palm; and he's come to be scratched. My nails are not long enough. Let me have a pair of red-hot tongs quickly, quickly, and you shall see me act St. Dunstan, and lead the devil by the nose.
BUCK. O Lord, let me begone: I'll not venture myself with a madman.
SCENE X.
SIR SAMPSON, VALENTINE, SCANDAL, JEREMY.
VAL. Ha, ha, ha; you need not run so fast, honesty will not overtake you. Ha, ha, ha, the rogue found me out to be in forma pauperis presently.
SIR SAMP. Oons! What a vexation is here! I know not what to do, or say, nor which way to go.
VAL. Who's that that's out of his way? I am Truth, and can set him right. Harkee, friend, the straight road is the worst way you can go. He that follows his nose always, will very often be led into a stink. Probatum est. But what are you for? religion or politics? There's a couple of topics for you, no more like one another than