Lucifer's Hammer - Larry Niven [198]
"It means something to the others. To the ones who want your miracles."
"Miracles I don't have. Why is it important that other people depend on you? Why does that make my life worth living?"
"Sometimes it's all that does mean anything," Harvey said. He was very serious. "And then you find there's more. A lot more. But first you do a job, one that you didn't really take on, looking out for others. Then after awhile you see that it's important to live." He laughed, not with humor but sadness. "I know, Maureen."
"Tell me."
"Do you really want to hear it?"
"I don't know. Yes. Yes, I do."
"All right." He told her. She listened to his story: of the preparations before Hammerfall, of his quarrel with Loretta; of his self-doubts and guilt about his brief affair with her, not so much that he had slept with her, but that he had thought about her afterward and compared her with his wife, and how that had made it harder to take Loretta seriously.
He went on, and she heard, but she didn't really comprehend. "And then finally we were here," he said. "Safe. Maureen, you can't know that feeling: to know, really know, that you'll live another hour; that there may be a whole hour when you won't see someone you love torn apart like a used rag doll. I wouldn't want you to understand, not really, but you have to know that much: What your father is building here in this valley is the most important thing in the world. It's priceless, and it's worth anything to keep it, to know … to know that somebody, somewhere, has hope. Can feel safe."
"No! That's the real horror. It's all false hope! The end of the world, Harvey! The whole goddam world's come apart, and we're promising something that doesn't exist, won't happen."
"Sure," he said. "Sometimes I think that too. Eileen is down there in the big house, you know. We hear what's going on."
"Then what's the point if we won't live through the winter?"
He got up and came toward her. She sat very still, and he stood next to her, not touching her, but she knew he was there. "One," he said. "It's not hopeless. You must know that. Hardy and your father have done some damned good planning. It takes some luck, but we've got a chance. Come on, admit it."
"Maybe. If we're lucky. But what if our luck has all run out?"
"Two " he went on relentlessly. "Suppose it's all a scam. We'll all starve this winter. Suppose that. Maureen, it's still worth it. If we can put off for an hour, if for a lousy hour we can spare somebody feeling the way I did curled up in the back of my car … Maureen, it's worth dying just to keep one human being from feeling that way. It is. And you can do that. If it takes an act, put on an act. But do it."
He meant it. Maybe he was acting too, doing what he had told her to do; but he meant it too, or why would he bother? Maybe he was right. Oh, God. Let him be right. Only You aren't there, are You?
How much do you believe all this, Harvey Randall? How strong is this resolve of yours? Please don't lose it, because you make me feel it too. I can share it. She looked up at him and said, very gently, "Do you want to make love to me?"
"Yes." He didn't move.
"Why?"
"Because I've thought about you for months. Because I won't feel guilt. Because I want someone to be in love with."
"Those are good reasons." She stood, and reached for him. She felt his arms go to her shoulders. He held her, not tightly, looking at her. The wet spot on her back was cold now. Almost she drew away, this wasn't something casual, not like the last time. This would mean something. It had to.
His hands were warm on her back, and he smelled like sweat and work; an honest smell, not something from a spray can. When he bent to kiss her, it was like an electric shock, and she grasped him and held him, burrowing into him, hoping to lose herself.
Presently they lay on the air mattress, on the open sleeping bag. Gently he held her, and she knew it would be good, and after a long time it was.
Later she lay against him and watched the lightning make strange patterns through the green plastic; and she thought