Lucifer's Hammer - Larry Niven [235]
Harvey drained his glass, but did not get up yet.
"I have tried to be friendly," Hardy said. "The Senator thinks highly of you. He likes the work you have done, and he likes your ideas. I think if he had a free choice he might … That doesn't matter. He does not have a free choice, and now I've told you." Hardy went out before Randall could say anything.
Harvey sat staring at the empty glass. Finally he stood and threw it to the carpet. "Shit!" he said. "Goddammit to hell."
When the meeting adjourned, Maureen went outside. There was a fine mist, so fine that she hardly noticed. No one bothered with mist. Visibility was good, several miles, and she could see the snow in the High Sierra, and lower. There was snow on Cow Mountain to the south, and that wasn't quite five thousand feet high. There would be snow in the valley soon.
She shivered slightly in the cold wind, but she wasn't tempted to go inside and get warmer clothing. Inside she'd have to see Harvey Randall again, and look away. She didn't want to see anyone or speak to anyone, but she smiled pleasantly as Alice Cox rode by on her big stallion. Then she felt, rather than heard, someone come up behind her. She turned, slowly, afraid of whom she'd see.
"Cold," Reverend Varley said. "You should get a jacket."
"I'm all right." She turned to walk away from him, and saw the Sierra again. Harvey's boy was up in those mountains. Travelers said the scouts were doing well there. She turned back again. "They tell me you can be trusted," she said.
"I hope so." When she didn't say anything else, he added, "Listening to people's troubles is my main business here."
"I thought you were in the praying business." She said it cynically, not knowing why she wanted to hurt him.
"I am, but it's not a business."
"No." It wasn't. Tom Varley pulled his own weight. He could claim a larger share than what he took from his own dairy herd; and many of the valley people gave him part of their own rations, which he distributed. He never said how. George thought he was feeding outsiders, but George wouldn't say anything to Tom Varley. George was afraid of him. Priests and magicians are feared in primitive societies … "I wish this were really the Day of Judgment," she blurted.
"Why?"
"Because then it would mean something. There's no meaning to any of this. And don't tell me about God's will and His unfathomable reasons."
"I won't if you say you don't want to hear it. But are you sure?"
"Yes. I tried that. It doesn't work. I can't believe in a God who did this! And there's just no purpose, no reason for anything." She pointed to the snow in the mountains. "Winter will be here. Soon. And we'll live through it, some of us. And another after that. And another. Why bother?" She couldn't stand looking at him. His collie-dog eyes were filled with concern and sympathy, and she knew that was what she had wanted from him, but now it was unbearable. She turned and walked away quickly.
He followed. "Maureen." She went on, toward the driveway, but he kept pace with her. "Please."
"What?" She turned to face him. "What can you say? What can I say? It's all true."
"Most of us want to live," he said.
"Yes. I wish I knew why."
"You do know. You want to live too."
"Not like this."
"Things aren't so bad—"
"You don't understand. I thought I'd found something. Life consists of doing one's job. I could believe that. I really could. But I don't have a job. I am thoroughly and utterly useless."
"That's not true."
"It is true. It always was true. Even before … before. I was just existing. Sometimes I could be happy being a part of someone else's life. I could fool myself, but that wasn't any good either, not really. I was just drifting along, and I didn't see much point in it, but it wasn't too bad. Not then. But the Hammer came and took even that way. It took everything away."
"But you're needed here," Varley said. "Many of these people depend on you. They need you—"
She laughed. "For what? Al Hardy and Eileen do the