Luck Be a Lady - Cathie Linz [87]
“Only for a few moments.”
Astrid shrugged. “I have a photographic memory.”
She seemed willing to forget me fast enough,Megan thought.
“I’m in Chicago for a conference,” Astrid said.
Goodie for you.Megan was tempted to say the words aloud but was too nice to do so. Instead she said, “I’m expecting company shortly.”
“I didn’t like the way we left things,” Astrid said. “I don’t think I expressed myself well.”
“You were pretty clear about not wanting anything to do with me.”
“I didn’t want you growing up thinking I abandoned you. You shouldn’t have to suffer just because I couldn’t be a good mother. It wasn’t you. It was me. Anyway, I brought you something. I lied about the jeans.”
“The jeans?” Megan repeated in confusion.
“The jeans from Woodstock. I did keep them. I thought you might want them. Here.” She practically shoved them at Megan.
Megan was speechless. In that moment of stunned silence, Smudge meandered into the living room, where the cat paused to stretch and yawn before noticing Astrid. Smudge instantly arched her back and hissed before turning and racing out of the room.
“You have a black cat,” Astrid said. “Interesting.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was just making polite conversation. I’m not very good at it. I’m not a hugger or a joiner. But I did have a black cat when I was growing up. Her name was Kinder. It’s German for child.”
“Do you speak German?”
Astrid nodded. “I moved back there after the divorce for several years. I also worked on mathematical analysis at CERN—that’s the European Laboratory for Particle Physics located near Geneva, Switzerland. I don’t know if you’re aware that a scientist at CERN invented the World Wide Web in 1989.”
“I wasn’t aware of that, no.”
“I did wonder if perhaps you’d gone into the field of mathematics, considering both your parents are in the field. But you told me you’re a librarian, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Your father’s sister-in-law was a librarian, yes?”
Megan nodded. “That’s right.”
“She seemed like a hugger. She didn’t approve of our plan but agreed to stay silent.”
“You said it was yourplan. That you didn’t want me bothering you, so you said to tell me you were dead.”
“I explained that. I didn’t want you to suffer because I couldn’t be a good mother. It’s not like I left and had other children. I realized I was no good at it. I lacked the skills.”
“You could have learned the skills.”
“Perhaps I used the wrong word then. I couldn’t learn the ability. I lack it. People tell me I’m detached and they’re right. I can deal with mathematical equations. Not people.”
“My father can deal with both.”
“Which is why I gave you to him. Wasn’t he a good parent to you? Didn’t he show you love? Didn’t he hug you?”
Megan nodded. “More times than I could ever count.”
“There you go then. I did the right thing.”
“I don’t know that I’d go that far.”
“I don’t want to undo all his good work. I never meant to hurt you. Quite the opposite. I was trying to do the right thing. Not just for me, but for you as well. I’m sorry if I failed at that.”
“So what now?” Megan asked.
“I’m not sure. What are your thoughts on the matter?”
“I’m not sure either.”
“We could maybe . . . stay in touch?” Astrid said tentatively.
“Via the World Wide Web?” Megan teased.
“Ah, you have your father’s sense of humor. That is a good thing. Does he still carve the symbol for pi on the pumpkin at Halloween?”
Megan nodded.
“He’s a good man.”
“Did you break up because of me?” Megan had to ask. “Because you had a baby?”
“No.”
“But you didn’t want children.”
“I didn’t know what I wanted. I don’t regret having you. I regret that I couldn’t be the mother you wanted and needed. If I’d stayed, I would have messed you up—not intentionally, but it would have happened. I’m sure of it. I couldn’t do that to you. My parents messed me up, always telling me that everything was my fault. They loved me in their own way, I suppose, and I loved them in mine, but it wasn’t a good thing.”
“Did you love my father?” Megan asked.
“I did at the time.”
“But you loved mathematics