Machine Man - Max Barry [25]
I mention this because until Lola Shanks kissed me it was the most passionate experience of my life, and it was twelve years earlier, and that is a really long time.
“LOLA,” SAID someone from the doorway. Lola’s lips jerked from mine. It was a terrible loss. I saw my surgeon, Dr. Angelica Austin, radiating fury.
“I just …” Lola’s shoulders dropped. Dr. Angelica Austin beckoned. Lola threw me a glance full of guilt and promise. She turned away. Her hand trailed from my shoulder. Dr. Angelica stood aside and Lola slumped by. I wanted to say Wait or Come back or even Thank you but Dr. Angelica’s eyes stopped me. You are never to see my daughter again. It was like that. She put a hand on the door as if to slam it then took it away, because I was on suicide watch.
LOLA DID not come back. When Katie delivered my dinner I asked if I could see Lola, and Katie said she would find out in a way that meant she already knew, and no. I couldn’t call her because I had no phone. I couldn’t get out of bed because I had no legs. Even if I could get my hands on a wheelchair, I was enmeshed in a web of tubes and bags. I was trapped.
IN THE morning I was visited by Cassandra Cautery, the crisis manager for Better Future. She wore a snug gray jacket over a pinstripe shirt with a big collar and a little skirt. It was kind of a schoolgirl–meets–Wall Street look. Her cheekbones were full of compassion. “Oh, Charlie.” She put one hand on her chest. “Oh, Charlie.” She pulled a chair to the edge of my bed and looked at me with wet eyes. “I can’t tell you how upset I am. With this. With myself. With this whole situation.”
I recalled Cassandra Cautery and D. Peters discussing me as I lay bleeding on the floor of Lab 4. The memory was thin and I couldn’t remember what they had said. But I had the feeling I should be angry about it.
“I honestly thought we were giving you the support you needed. But we weren’t. Clearly, we weren’t. I’m so sorry. I need to know. What more could we have done?”
“About what?”
“About …” She put her hand on my arm. Her fingers were surprisingly warm. For some reason I thought they would be cold. “About making you feel necessary.”
This took me a moment to untangle. I am not good with indirectness. I take people literally and realize what they meant later. “Oh. I didn’t try to kill myself. I’ve been saying this over and over. I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to replace my legs.”
Cassandra Cautery opened her mouth like she was about to say something, then closed it again. She tilted her head and squinted.
“Having one leg is awkward,” I said. “You either use an artificial replacement that tries to mimic the real one, which is essentially impossible and limits you to the capabilities of the prosthesis. Or you build a really good prosthetic leg, but then you’re stuck with a biological limb that can’t keep up. It’s like a car that uses the driver’s leg as one wheel. At some point biology just gets ridiculous.”
Cassandra Cautery said, “I’m not sure I follow.”
“I can show you. My legs are at work.”
“Your …” She touched her mouth. “Charlie, your legs are gone. They were crushed.”
“Not those legs. My new legs. Ones I made.”
She sat back.
“It’s not complicated. First I built a prosthetic leg. Then I realized it would work better as a pair. So I removed my biological leg.”
“To … so you could … could …”
“So I could wear the artificial set.”
“The artificial set … of legs.”
“Yes.”
“Because … because …”
“Because the artificial ones are better.”
Cassandra Cautery seemed frozen. Her hand lay on my arm like a dead thing. I shifted, uncomfortable. I didn’t know how I could explain this any more clearly. Seconds passed. I coughed. Cassandra Cautery jerked out of the chair. Her face still hadn’t changed. When she spoke, only her lips moved. “Well … you’ve given me … a lot to think about. Can I … I’ll get back to you … on this.” She turned and walked away like she was on strings.
“Wait,” I said. “Can