Magical Thinking - Augusten Burroughs [0]
ALSO BY AUGUSTEN BURROUGHS
DRY
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
SELLEVISION
MAGICAL THINKING
TRUE STORIES
AUGUSTEN BURROUGHS
ST. MARTIN’S PRESS NEW YORK
MAGICAL THINKING: TRUE STORIES. Copyright © 2004 by Island Road, L.L.C. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
Design by Phil Mazzone
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Burroughs, Augusten.
Magical thinking / Augusten Burroughs.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-312-31594-5
EAN 978-0312-31594-8
1. Burroughs, Augusten. 2. Novelists, American—20th century— Biography. I. Title.
PS3552.U745Z472 2004
813'.6—dc22
[B]
2004046785
First Edition: October 2004
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
SOME NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED.
FOR ROBISONSERVICE.COM
CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
COMMERCIAL BREAK
VANDERBILT GENES
TRANSFIXED BY TRANSSEXUALS
MODEL BEHAVIOR
I DATED AN UNDERTAKER
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR
THE RAT/THING
DEBBY’S REQUIREMENTS
ROOF WORK
BEATING RAOUL
HOLY BLOW JOB
MARK THE SHRINK
TELEMARKETING REVENGE
MY LAST FIRST DATE
THE SCHNAUZER
KEY WORST
ASS BURGER
LIFE CYCLE OF THE NORTH AMERICAN OPOSSUM
CUNNILINGUSVILLE
I KID YOU NOT
I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER
TOTAL TURNAROUND
ROID RAGE
MAGICAL THINKING
PUFF DERBY
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH
UP THE ESCALATOR
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
It takes an awful lot of work by a large number of people to turn what I write into a book. My deepest gratitude and thanks to: Jennifer Enderlin, Christopher Schelling, Sally Richardson, John Sargent, John Murphy, Gregg Sullivan, Frances Coady, John Cunningham, Matthew Shear, Matt Baldacci, George Witte, Carrie Hamilton Jones, Nancy Trypuc, Darin Keesler, Kim Cardascia, Edward Allen, Nicole Liebowitz, James Sinclair, Steve Snider, Steve Cohen, Christina Harcar, Kerry Nordling, Alison Lazarus, Jeff Capshew, Ken Holland, Merrill Bergenfeld, Andy LeCount, Tom Siino, Mark Kohut, Rob Renzler, and the entire Broadway sales force. Much appreciation to Dan Peres at Details magazine. And the folks at NPR’s Morning Edition. A few pieces in this collection originally ran on Salon.com in an earlier form, and I thank them for letting me publish them here. Thank you, Ryan Murphy and Mark Bozek. And thank you, Chip Kidd, for your beautiful covers. And K, what can I even say? I’d beat up anybody for you. With love for: John, Judy, Bob and Relda Robison, Haven Kimmel, Lawrence David, Suzanne Finnamore, Lynda Pearson, Millie Olson, Russell Nuce, Jon Pepoon, John DePretis, and Lori Greenberg. I am so happy to be in contact with David Machowski and Greg Fanslow again. Gratitude to Dr. Janet Zayas for suggesting the title of this book. And very special thanks to Norm Vexler for building us a beautiful, beautiful home, perfect to within 1/100th of an inch. Most of all, I want to thank Dennis Pilsits for just everything.
MAGICAL THINKING: A schizotypal personality disorder attributing to one’s own actions something that had nothing to do with him or her and thus assuming that one has a greater influence over events than is actually the case.
MAGICAL THINKING
COMMERCIAL BREAK
W
hen I was seven, I was plucked from my uneventful life deep in darkest Massachusetts and dropped into a Tang Instant Breakfast Drink commercial. It was exactly like being abducted by aliens except without the anal probe. I was a lonely kid with entirely imaginary friends. I played with trees.
Then, one day during penmanship class, a white van pulled up in front of our little gray schoolhouse, and the men from Tang climbed out.
My elementary school sat atop a low grassy hill in the center of Shutesbury, a small New England town that was so “small New England town” one had the sensation