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By Root 580 0

mechanically extruded into a frangible little donut that breaks into crumbs when you bite into it. It tasted musty and tired, and even Mark, who takes pride in his man-on-the-street palate, agreed that you’d feel bad baiting a mousetrap with it. The onion rings I made by separating an actual onion into rings were crispy on the outside, melting and sweet on the inside. Poor Todd Wilbur. Apparently, you need sodium acid pyrophosphate, overworked soybean oil, and underpaid teenagers to make onion rings as awful as Burger King’s.

Make it or buy it? If Burger King is your only option, make your onion rings. But a lot of restaurants take pride in their onion rings and they deserve credit and your business. The Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onion? Bloomin’ delicious.

Hassle: Mighty

Cost comparison: Burger King onion rings cost about $0.62 per ounce depending on who’s scooping. Homemade onion rings: $0.15.

1 large white onion, peeled

2 cups milk

2 cups all-purpose flour

3 cups bread crumbs

8 cups neutral vegetable oil or lard

Salt

1. Slice the onion horizontally into ¼-inch rounds, then separate into rings. Discard any rings that are broken or very tiny.

2. Pour the milk into a large, shallow bowl; pour the flour into another large, shallow bowl; and pour about ⅓ cup of the bread crumbs into a third.

3. Dip a ring into the milk, then into the flour to coat it completely. Dip it back into the milk and then into the bread crumbs. Dip it one last time into the milk and one last time into the bread crumbs. Place on a cookie sheet. Repeat with all the remaining rings, replenishing the bread crumbs as necessary. (If you put all the bread crumbs in the bowl at once, they’ll get soggy and stop adhering to the onions.)

4. Line a baking sheet with paper towels or a brown paper grocery bag. In a sturdy pot, heat the fat until it registers 350 degrees F on a deep-fry thermometer, or a pinch of flour that you drop in sizzles on contact.

5. When the oil is hot, fry the onion rings, five at a time, for 3 minutes or so, until golden brown. With a slotted spoon, remove to the baking sheet to drain. Lightly salt and serve immediately.

Makes 1¼ pounds, to feed six

POTATO CHIPS

I love potato chips so much I can’t stop eating them and therefore I rarely buy them. Even more rarely, I make them. My father came over once for dinner and we had a few cocktails—we were testing homemade vermouth—and I didn’t have anything in the refrigerator to sustain us until the chicken was roasted, but I did have a single sprouting potato from the garden that I peeled and sliced, and twenty minutes later we were eating hot, salty chips. That lowly potato saved the day. Frying potato chips is a useful kitchen trick to have up your sleeve on occasions like this, provided you’re not too drunk to handle boiling oil safely.

Chip by chip, homemade chips aren’t as tasty as store-bought. Some chips will be dark with bitter, burned edges, some will be a little soft in the middle, some will be blistered and crispy, some will be not quite salty enough, some will be a little too salty, and occasionally you will get one that’s perfect. They’re fun to eat, but Lay’s are better. And Kettle are even better than Lay’s.

If you’re good with a knife, you can cut the potatoes by hand, but I recommend a mandoline. I once owned an expensive stainless-steel mandoline, but I never touched it again after someone gave me a cheap plastic model made by Benriner. Provided you do not slice your finger off—you must use the plastic safety guard—this product will serve you well.

Make it or buy it? Buy it.

Hassle: I went through a box of Band-Aids and half a roll of paper towels one night because I didn’t heed warnings about mandoline safety. It could have been much worse.

Cost comparison: Homemade chips cost about $0.40 per ounce. Lay’s classic potato chips: $0.60 per ounce.

Neutral vegetable oil or lard, for frying

1 pound russet potatoes (approximately 2 large potatoes)

Salt

1. Line a baking sheet