Making Money - Terry Pratchett [138]
And Moist wiped pineapple custard from his eyes just in time.
“Look out! He’s got a daisy!” he shouted, and then thought: I just shouted “Look out! He’s got a daisy,” and I think I’m going to remember forever just how embarrassing this was.
Lord Vetinari looked down at the improbably large flower in the clown’s buttonhole. A tiny drop of water glistened in the almost-well-concealed nozzle.
“Yes,” he said, “I know. Now, sir, I do indeed believe you are Mr. Bent. I recognize the walk, you see. If you are not, then all you have to do is squeeze, and all I have to do is let go. I repeat: I’d like to hear from Mr. Bent.”
Sometimes the gods don’t have the right sense of occasion, Moist thought. There should be thunder, a plangent tone, a chord of tension, some kind of celestial acknowledgment that here was the moment of tru—
“9.12798,” said the clown.
Vetinari smiled and patted him on the shoulder.
“Welcome back,” he said, and looked around the room until his gaze found Dr. Whiteface of the Fools’ Guild.
“Doctor, would you take care of Mr. Bent, please? I think he needs to be among his own.”
“It would be an honor, my lord. Seven pies in the air at once and a four-man ladder tie? Exemplary! Whoever you are brother, I offer you the joke handshake of welcome…”
“He’s not going anywhere without me,” said Miss Drapes grimly, as the white-faced clown stepped forward.
“Indeed, who could imagine how he would,” said Vetinari. “And please extend the courtesy of your guild to Mr. Bent’s young lady, Doctor,” he added, to the surprise and delight of Miss Drapes, who clung on daily to the “lady” but had reluctantly said good-bye to the “young” years ago.
“And will somebody please release those people from that ladder? I think a saw will be required,” Vetinari went on. “Drumknott, collect up these intriguing new ledgers that Mr. Bent’s young lady has so kindly supplied. And I think Mr. Lavish needs medical attention—”
“I…do…not!” Cosmo, dripping custard, was trying to remain upright. It was painful to watch. He managed to point a furious but wavering finger at the tumbled books. “Those,” he declared, “are the property of the bank!”
“Mr. Lavish, it is clear to us all that you are ill—” Vetinari began.
“Yes, you’d like everyone to believe that, wouldn’t you—impostor!” Cosmo said, visibly swaying. In his head the crowd cheered.
“The Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork,” said Vetinari, without taking his eyes off Cosmo, “prides itself on its red-leather ledgers, which without fail are embossed with the seal of the city in gold leaf. Drumknott?”
“These are cheap cardboard-bound ones, sir. You can buy them anywhere. The writing within, however, is the unmistakable fine copperplate hand of Mr. Bent.”
“You are sure?”
“Oh, yes. He does a wonderful cursive script.”
“Fake,” said Cosmo, as if his tongue was an inch thick, “all fake. Stolen!”
Moist looked at the watching people and saw the shared expression. Whatever you thought of him, it was not good to see a man fall to bits where he stood. A couple of watchmen were sidling carefully toward him.
“I never stole a thing in my life!” said Miss Drapes, bridling enough for gymkhana. “They were in his wardrobe—” she hesitated and decided she’d rather be scarlet than gray—“and I don’t care what Lady Deirdre Waggon thinks! And I’ve taken a look inside them, too! Your father took the gold and sold it and forced him to hide it in the numbers! And that’s not the half of it!”
“…Beautiful but’fly,” Cosmo slurred, blinking at Vetinari. “You not me any mo’. Walked mile in y’shoes!”
Moist also edged in his direction. Cosmo had the look of someone who might explode at any moment, or collapse, or just possibly fall on Moist’s neck, mumbling things like “You’re m’bestest pal, you are, it’s you’n me ’gainst the worl’ pal.”
Greenish sweat was pouring down the man’s face.
“I think you need a lie-down, Mr. Lavish,” said Moist cheerfully. Cosmo tried to focus on him.
“’S a good pain,” the dripping man confided. “Got ’li’l hat, got got sword o’ t’ouands mens—” and with a whisper of