Making Money - Terry Pratchett [40]
But, he had to admit, Sacharissa Cripslock was fun.
“Sacharissa! This is a should-have-been-expected surprise!” he declared, as he stepped into the room.
“Mr. Lipwig! Always a pleasure!” said the woman. “So you are a dog’s body now?”
That kind of fun. A bit like juggling knives. You were instantly on your toes. It was as good as a workout.
“Writing the headlines already, Sacharissa?” he said. “I am merely carrying out the terms of Mrs. Lavish’s will.” He put Mr. Fusspot on the polished tabletop and sat down.
“So you are now chairman of the bank?”
“No, Mr. Fusspot here is the chairman,” said Moist. “Bark circumspectly at the nice lady with the busy pencil, Mr. Fusspot!”
“Woof,” said Mr. Fusspot.
“Mr. Fusspot is the chairman,” said Sacharissa, rolling her eyes. “Of course. And you take orders from him, do you?”
“Yes. I am master of the Royal Mint, by the way.”
“A dog and his master,” said Sacharissa. “How nice. And I expect you can read his thoughts because of some mystic bond between dog and man?”
“Sacharissa, I could not have put it better.”
They smiled at each other. This was only round one. Both knew they were barely warming up.
“So, I take it that you would not agree with those who say that this is one last ruse by the late Mrs. Lavish to keep the bank out of the hands of the rest of her family, believed by some to be totally incapable of running it anywhere but further into the ground? Or would you confirm the opinion of many that the Patrician has every intention of bringing the city’s uncooperative banking industry to heel, and finds in this situation the perfect opportunity?”
“Some who believe, those who say…who are these mysterious people?” said Moist, trying to raise an eyebrow as good as Vetinari’s. “And how is it that you know so many of them?”
Sacharissa sighed. “And you wouldn’t describe Mr. Fusspot as really little more than a convenient sock puppet?”
“Woof?” said the dog at the mention of his name.
“I find the very question offensive!” said Moist. “And so does he!”
“Moist, you are just no fun anymore.” Sacharissa closed her notebook. “You’re talking like…well, like a banker.”
“I’m glad you think so.” Remember, just because she’s shut the notebook doesn’t mean you can relax!
“No dashing around on mad stallions? Nothing to make us cheer? No wild dreams?” said Sacharissa.
“Well, I’m already tidying up the foyer.”
Sacharissa’s eyes narrowed. “Tidying the foyer? Who are you, and what have you done with the real Moist von Lipwig?”
“No, I’m serious. We have to clean up ourselves before we can clean up the economy,” said Moist, and felt his brain shift seductively into a higher gear. “I intend to throw out what we don’t need. For example, we have a room full of useless metal in the vault. That’ll have to go.”
Sacharissa frowned. “Are you talking about the gold?”
Where had that come from? Well, don’t try to back away, or she’ll go for the throat. Tough it out! Besides, it’s good to see her looking astonished.
“Yes,” he said.
“You can’t be serious!”
The notebook was instantly flipped open, and Moist’s tongue began to gallop. He couldn’t stop it. It would have been nice if it had talked to him first. Taking over his brain, it said:
“Dead serious! I am recommending to Lord Vetinari that we sell it all to the dwarfs. We do not need it. It’s a commodity and nothing more.”
“But what’s worth more than gold?”
“Practically everything. You, for example. Gold is heavy. Your weight in gold is not very much gold at all. Aren’t you worth more than that?”
Sacharissa looked momentarily flustered, to Moist’s glee. “Well, in a manner of speaking—”
“The only manner of speaking worth talking about,” said Moist flatly. “The world is full of things worth more than gold. But we dig the damn stuff up and then bury it in a different hole. Where’s the sense in that? What are we, magpies? Is it all about the gleam? Good heavens, potatoes are worth more than gold!”
“Surely not!”
“If you were shipwrecked on a desert island, what would you prefer,