Mao II - Don Delillo [83]
There was no more schedule for the war. It took place anytime or all the time and Israeli jets pounded over the city, creating the ancient spacious booms of a detonating sky.
The prisoner thought of himself as the boy’s own thing. He was the handy object the boy might tip and shape to his own wandering designs. He was the boy’s childhood, the idea of boyhood shining bright. A young male finds a thing and takes it directly to the center of his being. It contains the secret of who he is. The prisoner thought about this. He was the lucky find that enabled the boy to see himself clearly.
But then he stopped memorizing the lizards. It violated some resentful rule he couldn’t quite identify.
His body began to swell up. He watched his legs become airy white floats and did not accept them as his own. His body was fleeing with his voices.
No one came to interrogate him.
It was hard to stand normally or even shift positions on the mattress and he knew the time was near when he would become the collector of permanent conditions. They would find him and move in. Serous fluid in the tissues, spasms in the chest, all the chronics and abidings.
He wanted a notebook and pencil. There were thoughts he could not formulate without writing them down.
He thought of the no-shirt man alive on the wire.
It was hard to adapt to the absence of sense-making things. He couldn’t know for certain whether the rules had changed or been slightly refined or completely and eternally abandoned or whether they had ever existed in the first place, if we can call them rules or even trust the runted memory of a thing called a rule.
He identified with the boy. He saw himself as someone who might become the boy through the effortless measure of the mind thinking back. He thought at times he remembered the boy. There was a moment in some dim summer day when the boy stood by the door in the casual contraction of time.
The prisoner sensed a second darkness under the hood and knew the power was off again. He was just another Beiruti, no power, no water, listen to whistling shells, happens all the time.
There were strip fragments of concrete still attached to the bent steel rod the boy used to beat the bottoms of the prisoner’s feet when he remembered.
The war was audible but without the traffic sounds now, the routine honking that rode above the machine guns and mortars. City emptying out. He tried to shape an image of stark vistas down the long ruined avenues, a last sad pleasure, but it didn’t work anymore.
Nothing lay behind him but compact snatches. All energy, matter and gravity were ahead, the future was everywhere, all the things people say, stretching unbearably.
The hoods made no sense. Why were both of them wearing hoods? The boy needed only his own hood to protect himself from being identified at some unlikely future time. And if the boy wanted the prisoner to wear a hood, a hood without eyeslits, a punishment, a midair hole, then he didn’t need a hood of his own. He could have fed the prisoner through a mouth slot in the man’s rag hood.
Two images in the dimness. The grandmother that had to be tied to a chair. The father seated drunk on the toilet, vomit sloshed in his dropped pants.
Only writing could soak up his loneliness and pain. Written words could tell him who he was.
He knew there were times when the boy pretended to leave the room but remained to watch him. He was the boy’s discovery, the glow he’d scraped from the earth. He felt the concentrated presence and knew exactly where the boy stood and he remained motionless on the mat and studied a dead stillness all the while the boy stood watching.
Small closed images under the hood.
The only way to be in the world was to write himself there. His thoughts and words were dying. Let him write ten words and he would come into being once again.
They brought him here in a car with a missing door.
A wet scrap of paper and a pencil that a dog has chewed. He could write his terror out, get it on the page and out of his body and mind.
Is there time for