Mark Thomas Presents the People's Manifesto - Mark Thomas [5]
This policy would also apply to magazine and TV adverts, and would include any celebrity modelling too. So a Porsche advert might feature a mum from a semi in Wokingham. Expensive watches normally seen next to aviator-style sunglasses and polo mallets end up hanging on the wrist of your local postman. Even the Argos catalogue would have to actually choose models at random, instead of merely trying to give the impression it had.
M&S knickers would not be advertised by Twiggy and some young thin things; it could be a student who has just come back from a gap year in Thailand, your mum, and a 25-year-old woman with Down’s Syndrome. The size zero debate ends here. And beauty becomes something that we no longer aspire to but that we just have.
The slightly tricky question about this policy is, should it apply to porn? The answer has to be yes. It might also be an idea to make the selection process non-gender specific, and certainly non-age-specific. I think my older self would enjoy the prospect of getting a letter from Razzle informing me of my selection for their latest shoot, as I pottered around an old people’s home in slippers and a T-shirt bearing the words ‘WILL FUCK FOR BISCUITS’.
4
IT SHOULD BE LEGAL
FOR GAY COUPLES
TO GET MARRIED
IN A FAIR society it is only right and proper that gay couples have the mundanity of marriage inflicted upon them the same as everyone else. What makes them so special that they get let off? It is patently absurd that just because you and your partner share the same type of genitals you should escape the living hell of organising flowers, invites, seating, eating, dresses, cars, in-laws, out-laws and crap discos.
In that same spirit we should go one step further and allow heterosexual couples to have civil partnerships, for those people who still enjoy great sex but don’t want to get a joint mortgage. This would enable heterosexual couples to boldly declare to the world: ‘I love you, I’m moving in with you but I’m still keeping the flat on.’
Many who object to gay marriage say homosexuality is not ‘natural’. Neither is hair dye, UHT milk or the closet freezer. If you want to return to an era where nature ruled then we would only use plant medicine, our life expectancy would be about 40 and anyone living longer would be seen as a degenerate. Bigots would moan, ‘I’ve got nothing against pensioners personally, I just don’t want my father turning into one.’
Those who object to gay marriage on religious grounds often cite the book of Leviticus in the Bible, which says, ‘If a man lies with a man as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination’ (Lev 20:13).
However, in Leviticus God also decrees that menstruating women should be kept separate for seven days and on the eighth day that woman should sacrifice two pigeons to make herself clean again (Lev 15:29), that these pigeons should have their necks wrung by a priest at the altar, the feathers cast to the east side of the altar and the pigeon then burnt on the altar itself (Lev 1:13–16). Despite these clear instructions from the Bible, there have been no recorded sightings of religious groups offering free fowl with every pack of Tampax.
(Or perhaps in certain religious circles women, finding themselves caught out, sidle up to other women and whisper, ‘Er, has anyone got a spare pigeon in their handbag? I’ve just come off.’)
So, the Bible has been used selectively to back an argument against gay couples. Unusual, that.
5
PEOPLE WHO ALLOW
THEIR DOG TO SHIT
ON THE PAVEMENT
WITHOUT CLEANING IT
UP SHOULD BE FORCED
TO WEAR IT AS A
MOUSTACHE
WE ARE A nation on the brink of apoplexy induced by dog crap. Nothing, it seems, can bring on a brainbursting fit of fury faster than the sight of a nonchalant dog owner failing to clear up their canine’s cable. Every single night the audience had suggestions of what punishment should be meted out to hapless hound owners. Here is just a small sample of them:
‘If a dog owner lets their dog shit on your doorstep you should be able to shit on theirs.’
‘Change