Marooned - Christie Golden [68]
"The blood-"
"Xian blood, not mine," he assured her. He made no further move to rise, narrowing his eyes against the artificial brightness of her light. Janeway switched it off and sat beside him in the darkness. Torres would take care of the injured for a few minutes, and poor Bokk was beyond any aid she could give. She hadn't captained the Voyager crew for this long without developing some intuitiveness, and right now, she knew that something was deeply troubling Hrffl.
She waited for him to speak. At last, he did. "I took the lives of three of them." She heard him move, and sensed he was looking at his hands. "With these. I took lives with my own hands, Janeway. I cannot return to my people."
"Hrrrl," Janeway said gently, groping in the dark for his powerful, furry arm and placing her hand on it, you did what was necessary. We all did. Gruaa was right about the Xians. Talk would have been wasted on them, at least in this situation, and more than one of my crew would have died had we not fought."
Hrrrl crooned in the back of his throat. "The Xians killed one? Janeway, I mourn with you. Who was it?"
"It wasn't the Xians. Ensign Bokk was trapped by-by the sand that eats."
Hrrrl reached over and Janeway felt the now familiar circling of his clawed hand on her back, offering wordless comfort. She smiled in the darkness, know ing he could see it.
"Your bravery in attacking the Xians saved many more lives, Hrrrl."
"But I am now a taker of lives!" His voice was a cry of anguish, and he removed his hand from Janeway's back. "I cannot infect the Sshoush-shin with such a contamination. I must remove myself from them."
"Hrrri, tonight when we fought, our weapons were set on stun. Our technology is sufficiently advanced for us to determine what amount of force to use. But if we hadn't been able to repair those three phasers, we'd have had to use spears and clubs, just like your people. And we'd have taken lives, too."
She paused, gathering her thoughts. Hrrrl was quiet now, but she sensed he was listening.
"Under the laws of most of the worlds that belong to our Federation of Planets, there is an understanding that sometimes, it's necessary to take a life. There are special terms used in legal situations-manslaughter, self-defense, murder-that identify when it is acceptable and when it's not."
"But my claws-"
"Hrrrl, it is possible to kill and not be a killer, to take a life under certain circumstances and not be a taker-of-tives. Tonight, you saved lives here. You didn't instigate the attack, you merely defended yourself and us. You did the right thing. No one could listen to the story of what happened tonight and think otherwise."
"Is-is this truly what your Federation believes?"
"It is," Janeway stated firmly. "And moreover, it's what I personally believe."
Again, the silence stretched between them. Finally Hrrrl said in a low voice, "It is a struggle. We were not born to be peaceful. You have only to look at our claws, our teeth, to see that. But we want to be peaceful. We want to help, not hurt, and tonight, I took a step away from the ideals of the Sshoush-shin. I am ashamed."
Janeway reached out a hand and rubbed his back in the fashion that he had taught her.
"You should be proud that you strive for something higher, something better, than being mere animals, Hrrrl. I'm proud of you. I still think you believe in the Sshoush-shin ideal. But you're not in a civilized world here. Perhaps someday, there won't be a need for you or your people to fight in self-defense. Perhaps ..." her voice trailed off. Now she was handing out false hopes instead of true comfort.
"Captain," called Tuvok. "There is something here I believe you and Hrrrl should see."
"We'll be right there," called Janeway. "Are you all right?" she asked Hrrrl in a soft voice.
The big Sshoush-shin took a shuddering